Through The Darkness
by RISVULove
Summary: Alex Cabot has 'issues'- alcoholism and self harm being just two. She pushes everyone away, including her partner Casey, who after 9 months can't take it anymore and offers an ultimatum. Alex is dragged through her past by a therapist, uncovering traumatic memories for the blonde- ones that combined with stubbornness may result in a failed relationship. Can the pair survive?
1. Chapter 1

AN: Hi everyone, welcome to my new multi-chapter story Through The Darkness. I wanted to start by saying it's rated M for a reason, strong language, triggering scenes, scenes of a violent or sexual nature.

Also, I'm swamped with study, exams, personal things (bad headspace) atm, but I really wanted to write this- I hope you all enjoy (as best you can) and leave me a review if you can :)

Thank you.

xx

I've never felt as alone as I do in this very minute. Sitting here in this stale, dreary bar by myself drinking everything in sight. I don't even enjoy alcohol. I like it- yes there's a difference- I like it because it's numbing, it's an escape, an out. It helps me forget myself for one damn minute.

I sigh, drinking down yet another gulp of the harsh spirit- ah vodka, moving the forgetting process along nicely.

I look to the bar stools either side of me, both empty and I can't help but think back, this time last year everyone, all my friends would be around. Now look.

I've eventually just stopped inviting them along, Casey knows where I am- I've been here every night for the past three months. I laugh to myself, this would be a highlight of what we dress up to be our 'relationship'. Yes, believe it or not Casey Novak is in fact my lover, and has been for over a year. You wouldn't think it.

Honestly, I treat her horribly. I've never touched her when I get angry, that I control. I'd hate to harm her in any way- really I think this hurts her more, being away, coming home drunk, snapping at her.. it's not right. I don't know what makes her stay.

I should go, leave the bar for the night- especially since it's gotten to the stage I can't see the hands on the clock anymore my vision is so blurred. I just, prefer here to anywhere else.

I can't go to Casey, we'll fight. Not just about the alcohol, about everything- how I'm feeling, what I've done, why I won't open up to her.

I'm sick of the same damn argument every night, I can't do it anymore! I can't talk about this stuff, I never could, even when I was younger and my Mom was trying to drag my feelings out of me, it didn't happen. That's partly the reason I never go home anymore either, they've had enough of my 'whining' about 'my issue'- that 'issue' being depression and my 'whining' is not verbal- they ask how I am, I say okay and I get shit for it.

So, I can't go home-home, I can't go back to mine and Casey's apartment and I can't stay here.. this is going well.

I run my hand unsteadily through my hair and attempt to pull myself up off the bar stool- which fails, sending me stumbling against the bar

"You okay lady?" The gruff voice of the clearly rushed bartender makes me jump and I nod, very aware I'm slurring my words as I reply that 'I'm fine'- a phrase I've grown accustomed to..

I make my way out of the bar into the harsh cold of the New York night using the walls as support along my route to the apartment- which I've decided to go back to. I will probably regret this because of the argument but at least at the end of it all I'll get somewhere warm to sleep.

By the time I get to the apartment I'm blue with the cold and also kinda sobered up- the cold lessens the alcohols affect I guess..

I jam my key in the lock and try my best to keep quiet as I fall in the door- which again, doesn't go as planned as I ram against our hall table knocking over her china vase- which obviously wakes her

"You're home then, drunk" she notes as flips on the light switch and my eyes take a minute to adjust to the brightness of the living room

"I'm not too bad" I say a lot stronger than I feel and she nods, used to this

"...it's 2am Alex, how much longer are we actually going to keep this up?" She sounds both exasperated and what I assume to be upset

"Keep what up?"

"Pretending everything's alright! Alex, you don't realize how I feel, sitting here knowing you're at that fucking bar drinking yourself stupid!" She's pacing the floor, brushing away the tears rolling down her cheeks, trying to cover up the fact she's upset but I can hear the crack in her voice, she's torn up "I'm so fed up of this Alex, I'm fed up sitting here knowing you don't love me-"

"Casey, I do-" I try to tell her, because honestly I do love her but she cuts in

"-You don't Alex, if you loved me you'd be here with me- you wouldn't be at that bar. If you loved me you'd talk to me instead of bottling everything up, instead of cutting, which yes I do still know you do. If you loved me I'd know, you don't. You probably care but you don't love me"

"I DO!" I scream at her, which I notice makes her flinch but of course, I overlook it "Christ Casey, it's just hard for me! I'm sorry, I'm sorry I keep letting you down and making you feel like this but I have my ways of dealing with how I feel.."

"They aren't working! Alex if they were working you'd be making an effort in this relationship"

I sigh and lean back against the wall, needing a minute to ask myself if I'm sure about saying this, once I say it it's real, she'll hear it and I'm committed

"I'll get help. Casey, I'll go and talk to someone, something-" I'm sobbing at this point and all I want is to feel her close to me "please don't go, please. I do love you.. I'll get help, please!"

She throws her arms around me, hugging me tighter than I've ever been hugged before "I love you too, please get help"

xx

I walk in from the hall into her office, fiddling with my jacket sleeves, my hair- everything I can to try and forget that in not meant to be here, that I haven't been here unnecessarily (post-work) in three months

"Hi" I breathe out and her eyes shoot up, meeting mine

"Hey... you're here?" She sounds surprised and I sigh just before I get offended, of course she's surprised, I haven't been here at this time in months

"I am.. I-I don't want to go to the bar tonight"

Her eyebrow arches as she drops her pen "You don't? Are you sure?"

I bite my lip and after hesitation I nod "I don't want to go to the bar Casey. I just want to go home, with you"

She ignores my hesitation and stands from her chair, walking into a hug "I'm so glad you're here Alex"

"I am too"

I lie, partly.

I'd kill for a drink at the minute but I don't want to let her down.

I can do this for her, I know I can.


	2. Chapter 2

I pull the bottle to my lips, my heart clenching tight. I hate myself. I'm so weak, I couldn't last twenty four hour without one drink! It's resorted to me sitting in our darkened kitchen, hiding for Casey, drinking the leftover red wine from our last girls night.

I wanted to do this for her, be strong, not fuck up.. Guess that didn't happen. Look what I'm resorted to now, literally hiding in the kitchen drinking bottles of beer.

As I down the last couple of mouthfuls of my second bottle I hear the footsteps thump down the hall, she's either angry or worried- maybe both? Wouldn't surprise me

"Alex?" She flicks the light switch, revealing my position at the table, the bottles sitting in front of me "I've given you enough time, come back to bed, _now_."

My eyes are brimming with tears, she knew I was here? I obviously wasn't as subtle as I expected. I stand from the chair, not daring to make a sound, I don't want her to get any angrier than she clearly is already. I walk by her, my eyes glued to the cold tiles below my feet and as I try and leave the kitchen she catches my hand, whispering my name

"I'm not mad at you" she assures me, knowing how I'm thinking and her gentle smile does ease my mind that little bit "I love you Alex, just please.. don't sneak away from me"

We walk back down the hall together but my minds returned to its previous way, racing. She knew I was down here? What made her leave me alone? Doesn't she care?- of course she does.. She just trusts me.

That thought actually makes me feel worse.

She trusted me not to do anything and I let her down. I'm such an idiot! I'll need to get over myself if I want this relationship to last much longer, I need to be a girlfriend, not someone who needs to be cared for.

All this is just hard.

I know Casey would be happy if I'd talk to her but I physically can't. I know I've told her some things, like the cuts. I had to mention them early enough, it's not like she'd miss them, they're not exactly subtle.

I can't talk about other things though, how I'm feeling is the real issue, and that's the one thing she wants to know most.

I crawl into bed, more exhausted than I felt before I went down for the drink. I lay here wide awake, how is it even a couple of drinks can calm me? I'm not even remotely buzzed, I'm relaxed.

I feel her arms gently slip around my waist and she presses a gentle kiss to the back of my neck, her soft lips pressing against my skin causes me to sigh, any remaining tension dropping from my shoulders. I love her.

I shouldn't need the cuts or the alcohol to calm me, can't I just have her? Isn't she enough?

The tears rush to my eyes again but this time I can't hold them back, I begin sobbing violently into myself and Casey's hold on me only gets tighter as she whispers comforting words into the darkness of the room- which makes me feel even more guilty. She's so sweet to me, I really don't deserve her.

"I-I'm s-so sorry, Case" I try my best to get the words out but they're uneven and broken by more sobbing

"Don't be sorry Alex, it's okay. Just, please, next time you want a drink wake me up, don't go down and hide in the kitchen. No secrets remember?"

I smile as best I can through my tears but it fades, I need to tell her how I'm feeling, let her in just that little bit- she needs to know what I'm thinking "You deserve better than me Casey. You're taking care of me, you should have a lover, not a job"

She pulls her arms from around my waist and I immediately long for her touch, I assume I've made her angry, upset but a second later the room is lit up, she's hit the switch on the bedside lamp "Sit up Alexandra"

I bite the inside of my cheek, yeah she definitely sounds upset. It takes all the energy I have to force myself up into a sitting position beside her and I sit waiting for whatever she'll say next, praying it isn't something along the lines of goodbye

"Baby" her pale fingers caress my icy cheeks and I meet her eyes, seeing nothing except love with tinges of worry "you know I love you, don't you?" her voice is hesitant

I nod weakly, not whole-heartily believing her and she picks up on my uncertainty "Al, honey, I love you and certainly don't think of myself as doing a job. I care about you, I want to help you- out of love, not out of pity or anything else you're thinking"

"Really?" in an incredulous tone

"Really Alex. God, you're so perfect, and I know you don't think so but I'd love if you could see yourself through my eyes- you're kind, smart, sensible, funny, beautiful" her hand runs down over my scar marred thigh "-even these, beautiful"

"They aren't, they're ugly Casey!" I snap at her but she's not phased, she just reinforces her point

"Ugly? Hardly, signs of how strong you are. Push that little bit deeper and you could've ended it all- every time you do it you have that strength. And I won't lie, I wish you could stop, but not for my own reasons, for you. I hate the idea of you hurting yourself- you don't deserve that"

She brushes away the tears from my cheeks and then her own "please Alex, try not to feel ugly- you're gorgeous"

She really believes every word, shame I don't. No matter how much I want to I can't.

Hopefully that'll change with time


	3. Chapter 3

I sit in the bath listening to the light, soothing sounds of the rain off the frosted window. It's a shame my mind is overrun with thoughts. I'm focused on the small blade on the side of the bath, coated in the light pink plastic- my ladies razor. There's nothing I'd love more than to break my skin, watch as the deep red blood flows from the fresh wound. I can't. I couldn't let her down twice in twelve hours.

I should call her in.

What can I say? I don't know how to tell her I want to hurt myself. It's easier not to say anything.

-She'd never know. I mean, we aren't doing much sexually lately, she hasn't seen the cuts from the past few weeks. What's one more? Two more? Nothing.

I take the pink plastic into my trembling hands and immediately snap it, knocking shards of pink into the water. I've managed to bloody up my fingers in the process of getting the blade out but the second I have it in my hand I freeze- I need to call her- I can't do this, let her down. I know she wouldn't find out but that's not the point

"C-Casey?!" I call out my voice breaking towards the end and after a second she's tapping gently at the door

"You called Al?"

"Come in- please, I need you" she opens the door and rushes towards the side of the bath and she gasps seeing the blood on my fingers

"Alex.. s-show me" her eyes are wide as she holds out her hand and I drop the blade over the side of the tub

"I-I didn't- I stopped- I called you like you asked me to" I stutter, the words falling out of my mouth and Casey shakes her head, snatching the first aid kit from the cabinet and perching herself on the side of the bath

"You tried to.." she sounds dejected as she grabs my hand to clean to wounds "and there's more, you didn't tell me about them"

She's angry? But I didn't do it, I know I'd done the others but today I stopped, shouldn't she be happier? I mean- I'm trying..

"I-I'm sorry- Casey- I wanted- I just thought.."

She finishes disinfecting and stands off the side of the bath "just.. finish up and we'll talk, alright?"

She leaves the bathroom, she leaves me, my mind racing- again. I don't think I'm ever calm.

'We'll talk'

She can't take it anymore, she's leaving, I bet she is. Oh god. I've driven away the one woman who cares about me! How could I be so stupid!

I don't bother wiping away the tears rolling down my cheeks, I just let myself cry. There's only so long you can attempt to hold everything together for and this seems as good a time as any to let go. I'm loosing everything else, why not my dignity too.

After ten minutes of guy wrenching-hear tearing sobs I decide I need to get out, the waters turning cold and I don't want to keep the inevitable waiting

I pull on my loose grey track suit bottoms and my hoodie and towel dry my hair a little, not wanting to look horrible- I think my red rimmed eyes make me look bad enough.

The bathroom door opens with a creak and I walk down the hall slower than I've ever walked in my life. I don't want to face her, I don't want to do this.

Eventually I reach the door and push it open and when I do my jaw drops, what the hell is going on?

She has the table set, a mixed bunch of beautiful wild flowers in the centre and she's standing at the stove, over a pot "Casey?" I whisper out and she turns back to face me but doesn't move from the stove

"Hi.. you alright?" I nod and stand stiffly in the same position until she sighs, now facing the stove again "you can come here Alex, I'm not going to bite you or anything"

She's too calm, detached. She's going to leave me- I need to stop or I'm going to start crying now, then she'll just feel bad for me and feel forced to stay. Breathe. Calm down.

I feel the low thumping start in the back of my head- another fucking tension headache. The last twelve hours have been a disaster!

"Alex?" I notice Casey's left a plate down in front of me, boiled eggs and fried bread, probably my favorite breakfast. I smile as best I can through my nerves

"Thank you Casey" I start cutting into the bread, the sounds of my cutlery are a welcome break in the silence

"Are we going to talk?" I ask as I take a bite of the toast and she nods, leaving down her fork, which she really was only using to play with her egg she'll

She sighs, obviously gathering together her thoughts and I wait patiently and on the verge of tears, I don't want to lose her- I might be too late "I love you Alex.. God I love you so much" I hear the upset in her voice and I scold myself again, I'm not only hurting myself, I'm hurting her too

"-I know you feel like you have to do it but Alex I need you to see that this is hurting me too" she looks up, meeting my eyes "I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or anything Alex but I can't stand by and watch you do this. I-I need you to get help"

I shake my head- growing up I had as many therapists, doctors, nutritionists as a person can handle- I don't want another one.

She bites her lip, closing her eyes "Alex, something needs to change. As much as I love you and care about you, I don't know how much longer I can do this.. You don't talk to me, you take it out on yourself- and I know you've talked about your Mom a little and how hard it was to talk to her but I'm not her. I-I really love you. I just wish you'd trust me with this stuff"

"It's not for lack of trust I don't talk about it Casey" I snap venomously at her, which probably isn't helping but she's basically just told me if I don't go and talk to someone she'll leave

I couldn't handle her leaving, then I'd actually have no one.

"Well then, please. Get a therapist, somebody, a professional who can help you open up. Alex.. please, at least try for me"

For her I'd do anything. I mean, it's therapy, how bad can it be- again?

"The only therapist I trusted growing up was Doctor Garrison.. But was moved from the city and I signed myself out from therapy- over 16 you could.. That probably didn't help" I babble and Casey's hand pulls mine in

"Where'd she move to, any idea?" She asks, smiling brightly

"...No but I can google her to check"

"Thank you Alex. For this, I mean"

"Yeah... We'll see what happens" I say uncertainly as I go get the laptop from the living room, could I really start therapy again?

Wow.

I never thought I'd be considering this. I promised myself after my wreckage of teenage years that I'd never go back.

I guess you'd do anything for the person you love, even throw yourself back into your disastrous past..

**_AN: Hi everyone, thank you for all the feedback. I just wanted to say, I'm putting a lot of effort into each chapter and I'd really appreciate some more reviews, they really encourage me to write. Thank you._**


	4. Chapter 4

I look around the small office my heart thumping just that little bit faster. Is it bad that I feel more at home here than I feel with my Mother?

This is homey, it's comfortable, like her old office. I'm so jealous that she was moved away, I mean this woman was the best person in my life for my teenage years and they've moved her over three hours from the city.

Casey's hand slips into mine "You wanna go to reception, ya know, ask if this woman's in?"

I nod and stand tall, my heels clicking on the tiles as I walk across to the young receptionist "Is Doctor Garrison in at the minute?" I ask the young woman who smiles politely

"Yes, she is. Have you got an appointment?"

I shake my head, tugging gently on the long sleeve of my black fleece jumper "Uh, no I haven't made an appointment actually. I'm one of Rebecca's former patients, I was hoping she could meet me?"

The woman looks back up to me, lowering her voice "She's got a twenty minute gap between patients now. Go right in- could I just get your name?"

"Alexandra Cabot"

She nods, entering my name into the computer "Go right ahead Miss Cabot"

"Thank you very much"

I turn back to Casey and give a thumbs up before before I walk through the beautiful waiting room to Rebecca's office door, knocking lightly and waiting to be called in

I hear her footsteps get closer to the door and when it opens I smile, apart from general aging, I really don't think this woman had changed a bit. Her chocolate brown hair is still full of life, her skin is still tight on her face thanks to obvious good care, her eyes are still bright.. she hasn't changed a bit.

"Rebecca" I smile and her eyes widen, as she stands back looking me over

"Alex! I saw Alexandra Cabot on the computer diary but I didn't think it was you... God! How are you? -please, come in!" She stands back, opening the door and allowing me to walk into her office

"I've been... me. How've you been Rebecca? Enjoying more of a country life?" I ask as we sit down, into opposite couches and she smiles, shaking her head

"If I'm honest Alex, as beautiful as the countryside is here, I miss city life. Not exactly the fresh air or anything but there's just something about the city. So you're obviously here for a reason, I assume your Mother's still alive and well?" She asks and I swear she rolled her eyes at the mention of the woman

"Yes, she's very much alive.." I sigh, wringing my hands and Rebecca sits forwards, covering my hands with her own

"Remember, don't do that. Talk to me Alex"

I nod, I can talk to her. I trust her. C'mon Alex, get it together, this is Doctor Rebecca Garrison. You trust her.

"I-I.." I just can't seem to get my words out, I'm not even really sure what I want to say to her.

"Okay, Alex, you're obviously a little overwhelmed. Why don't we start easy enough, what brought you here to me today?"

"To you? Well, you're the only therapist I trust.." I sigh, meeting her eyes "Honestly? I don't really feel like I want to be here, not for me. I-I... my partner asked me to look into getting help for my problems and well, I came to you"

"Well Alex, I'm flattered that you came to me, honestly. So, who's this partner of yours?" She smiles, lightning the mood and I laugh airily, of course she'd ask. I really appreciate the topic change though, Casey I can talk about for hours

"Casey Novak. I work with her- I'm an ADA"

Rebecca smiles brightly "Alex, I'm so proud of you. I mean, growing up when you told me you were considering studying law, I had my doubts. With everything that was happening at home I honestly didn't know what would happen.. I'm really glad you've become so successful"

I nod, feeling rather shy at her compliments. People don't often talk about me like this "Thank you. To be honest I think I put so much work into study because I wanted to loose myself"

"Makes sense" she nods and sits up straight, crossing her legs

"So Alex, you mentioned Casey wanted you to see me because of some problems you've been having. You wanna talk about some of them?"

I chew on my lip, wondering if mentioning some of these things will change her opinion of me. I'd hate to let her down too.

"Okay.. Well, the cutting never really went away I guess" I admit and she nods, both of us waiting until I continue- I just can't seem to talk. Nothing new there.

"What else Alex?" Rebecca pries and I take a deep breath, I have to tell her about everything, if I hold back she won't be able to do her job properly. Okay. Start easy, mention the alcohol?

"I drink" I blurt and she nods, now making little notes into a small black notepad from the table

"A lot I assume?" She says and I hum in response

"Enough. Until recently I was at the bar every night and I'd fall in drunk at.. 2am maybe? The earliest"

"Okay. And how's the eating coming now? You seem to be a healthy weight" she gestures my body and I become nervous under scrutinization

"I guess it's good. Uh, in college I started eating properly again"

"When you got away from your Mother?"

I nod, she's obviously seeing the trend even now still developing.

"And when was the last time you talked to her?" She asks and I genuinely have to think back, I don't remember the exact date, day even but I remember the conversation like it were yesterday

_"Mom, hi" I hold the phone between my shoulder and ear as I piece together a sandwich for myself _

_"Alexandra, dear. You haven't called much lately" she's narky and so false it's sickening- the 'loving' pet name used is just a formality _

_"No, I haven't. Works been hell lately, it was difficult to find time"_

_She tuts disapprovingly "For your own flesh and blood? I bet you'd call if your father, God rest him, was still here"_

_My blood boils at his mention, how dare she use him against me "Yes, I probably would call more if Daddy was alive" I could stand my Fathers company- unlike yours you twisted cow_

_"Anyway, Alexandra-" she changes the conversation, surely onto something I won't enjoy speaking about "-any relationship developments?"_

_I sigh, my mothers favorite topic after of course, my depression "No mother. Nobody yet" _

_Not that I'm looking really, sure I have feelings for Casey but that'd never work out. Never mix business and pleasure._

_"Oh! Dear, I'm so glad to hear that because, as you well know, the Royal Gala is next month and I have a strapping young man that I think would be just your type" _

_I scoff "Mother, you realize men aren't my type right?"_

_She hums disapprovingly "Yes.. your dabble with women.. That's still happening? God Alexandra, isn't it time you settled down? Had a family"_

_I can't help but burst out laughing just at the thoughts "Mother, God bless any child that has to inherit not only my genes but the Cabot name. Believe me, I'm not going to put any child through that" _

_"Here we go again, that-that silly attitude of yours. I bet when you find a nice man your issues will go away too" _

_Well I walked straight into that one, didn't I? _

_"Mother, you need to listen to me. I will never, never, find a nice man to settle down with. If I find anyone I'll find a woman and my depression will not just go away with the click of her fingers either, she'll have to support me and love me- the opposite to you. If you can't accept that, accept me after all these years.. well, you just need to stop contacting me"_

_"Alexandra, please-"_

_"No. I'm done"_

_I hang up, finished with her. I hate that poisonous woman. I should've done that sooner._

_Jesus, I really am alone now, aren't I? _

I brush away the tears rolling down my cheeks as I recount the phone call to Rebecca who, moves over and sits in beside me "Alex. You're better off without her. Seriously, and I don't often say that but you really are. So how long have you been with Casey then?"

"Nine months" I breathe out, "nine... really good months Rebecca"

"You're lying" she points to me, damn her for knowing me so well! "Alex, I thought we were over this by now. What's making you hold back with me again?"

"...I'm sorry" I apologize to her and she nods

"Apologies are nice to hear but Alex, you need to talk to me as well. Don't lie. So, what's been happening between you and Casey then?"

I sigh, running my hand through my hair "Things are rough Rebecca. Don't get me wrong, I-I love Casey, she's my life. But, I treat her horribly Rebecca, I don't mean to but.."

"If she loves you Alex, really cares, she'll over look that. Now, I'm not at all condoning any mistreatment of this woman, but you need to realize that you cannot be blamed for anything that happened while you've been upset or trying to deal with this, I really don't think, even I can understand how bad things were with you growing up"

Yeah.. That's why I don't talk about it. How can I expect anyone to understand any of this? I barely understand myself anymore.

"So, what else is going on Alex?"

xx

_**AN: So, we've learned a little more about Alex's past! What do you all think so far? Anybody have any clues to what started Alex on this slippery slope as a teenager? Believe me, this chapter was just the tip of the ice berg, as the story progresses we'll find out just how much the broken blonde is keeping to herself...**_

**_please keep the reviews up, I'm doing exams at the minute and stuff so I'm finding it hard to write. I'd really appreciate the feedback! Thank you ^_^_**


	5. Chapter 5

I sit silently in the car, my eyes glazed over. That was horrible. I finally opened up properly to Rebecca, I told her everything. We went over time, well over time but I feel, well, slightly better. I know, I still need to talk to Casey about things but that should come naturally, for the sake of our relationship I think I'm going to have to.

The tense silence of the car is broken by the sharp ring of her cell phone and she pulls over, answering it "Jenna! Hi, everything alright?"

There's a pause and I see Casey nod, drumming her fingers gently on the steering wheel "No, Jenna, that's no problem. Of course I can watch her for a while.. Honestly, just come pick her up when you're ready"

I freeze, oh no! No. No.

"Alex, that was my sister calling. She has to work late and theres no one to mind my niece, is it alright with you if we do it?"

Well, you've already said yes. I mean, what can I do?

I smile falsely "Of course"

"Are you sure? I mean-"

"It's fine, okay? I don't mind if you watch her for a couple of hours"

She leans across and kisses my cheek "Thank you Al"

I clench my jaw, I can't do this, be around this child. After how I grew up its a miracle I can interact with adults, never mind children. How am I going to do this?

"So, you seem a little more relaxed" she notes aloud "Doctor Garrison really helped then?"

"Yeah, she did. Are you sure it's alright to go to her again, I mean Case, it's at least a three hour drive-"

"Alex, you can go to her everyday of you want, I don't mind. We can do whatever we have to in order to help you feel a little better"

I smile softly, this is what I said to my Mother. Casey's a woman who cares, a woman who releases that my depression won't go away with the click of her fingers.

I wish my Mother would accept this, my relationship, my general lifestyle. I listen to Casey, listen to how she talked about her relationship when her mother was alive. Casey was that woman's whole world, the apple of her eye- she had been since she was born. I'd kill to have a relationship like that with my Mother.

My hearts beating out of my chest as I realize where we are, the kindergarten-crèche- type area. In minutes we'll be surrounded by these kids, all these, whiney, needy tiny humans who depend on you for care and nourishment and love.

I can't go in here, I.. can't face these children. I can't, the thought physically scares me. The thought of caring for this niece of Casey's for more than ten minutes scares me.

"Ready?" She asks, her eyebrows knitted in what I assume is worry

"Yeah.. I am" I stand out of the car onto incredibly shaky legs and do my best to throw on a straight face, one that doesn't show her just how afraid I am

I knew agreeing to this was a horrible idea.

We walk in, Casey holding the door sending me in ahead of her, the first on greeted by the screaming, snotty children. Oh Jesus. I can't be here.

"Aunty Casey!" the girl who looks around six or seven throws herself into the hug Casey's offering and I can't stop the clenching of my heart as Casey smiles brightly swinging the girl around

"Where's Mom?" she asks and Casey smiles

"She's working Mel', that's why I'm here, she asked me to mind you for a little while"

The girl I assume to be Melissa from Casey's pet-name smiles "Are you minding me at my house?"

"No, mine" the smile on Casey's face drops "unless you want to go home, we don't mind?"

At the 'we', both sets of eyes turn to me and I smile as best I can "Hey. Uh, yeah wherever you'd like to go kiddo"

Kiddo? It sounds so forced (probably because it is) but I don't want to give that away.

"Say hello to Alex" Casey presses the girl, who's now flashing me a gap-tooth smile

"Hi Alex. I'm Melissa" the girl jumps from Casey's arms onto the floor and before I can stop her she's hugging my legs- making me flinch

Am I really that much of a heartless bitch? I mean, this child seems sweet, she seems to like me. It's just how I'm wired, I'm not meant to bond with children. They cry around me.

I'm cold.

"It's-uh- nice to meet you sweetheart" I ruffle her soft auburn hair as she pulls back away from me and I bite the inside of my cheek

It's only Casey's niece, I mean, nothing bad can happen, right? I can't 'break' her in like an hour or so? We can watch tv or something to keep her entertained and well quiet, and this will all be okay.

"So you're Casey's girlfriend then?" She asks innocently and I look to Casey who nods, which I copy directing it to the young girl

"Yeah.. I am"

"I like you, you're pretty" she tells me and when I look up Casey's smiling down at me

"Thank you Melissa. Now, have you decided where you want to stay? Casey's or Mommy's?"

"Casey's" she says certainty and I smile inwardly, thank God she said that.

"Great! Let's go then" Casey says enthusiastically "go get your school bag Mel"

The girl runs down the well lit crèche hall and when she's out of sight I turn to Casey

"Is she not a little old to be in here? Is this not like a preschool place?"

She slips her hand into mine "It is. They run an after schools club too when the kids do their homework, get a dinner, stuff like that. Melissa comes here because Jenna works late"

"Oh, okay. It makes sense"

I notice the look I'm getting from Casey "Are you alright? You're quiet"

"I'm sorry, this is new to me.. I don't mean to be weird"

She cocks her head "You're new to what?"

"Talking to children.. Well, being around children in general" I admit and I notice the shine in her eyes

"Well, Melissa will love you, don't worry too much" she smiles sweetly "I bet you're a natural anyway. You seem like someone who's good with kids"

I sigh, dropping her hand from mine "Hopefully"

"Don't stress Alex, she's a kid. She's happy with you playing playstation or hide and seek- stuff like that"

"Yeah, I'm not too worried... Nervous more than anything really"

Lying. I'm _beyond_ terrified.

I can't tell her that though, how weak would that sound, scared of children. No, this is something I'll keep from her, just for now.


	6. Chapter 6

"I want Alex to tuck me in"

That one sentence sends my heart up I to my throat. I've managed to avert too big of disasters this evening, I kept her entertained and stuff but tucking her in? Am I meant to read or what? Is she too old for that?

In pretty sure I was at her age.

_"Mommy!" I run down the hall, my pink pajamas sticking to me with my speed. I attempt to wrap my arms around her but I'm stopped before I get the chance for any physical contact _

_"Alexandra, be a big girl now, come on. You aren't a baby anymore, you don't need me to tuck you in anymore now" _

_"But Daddy did?" I say sadly, remembering Daddy reading me a story and giving me a big kiss before pulling my blankets tight to me, protecting me from any monsters- or that's what he said _

_"I'm not your Father Alexandra, and I do not appreciate being compared to him" her authoritative, firm tone tells me to drop the subject, accept what she says "You're a big girl now, you don't need me. Go to bed. I'll see you in the morning"_

_I walk away, not really sure what to say to her. I'm too big to be tucked in? Since when?_

"Alex?"

I jump to focus hearing Casey call me and I blink rapidly to try and bring my vision back to normal

"S-Sorry.. I-I.."

"Mel, Alex isn't feeling very good right now, the next time you're over she'll tuck you in, alright?" Casey smiles at the little girl and Melissa nods, now looking worriedly over at me

"Are you okay Alex?"

"Yeah kiddo, just feel a little sick, I'll tuck you in next time"

Lie. I'll do my best to prevent a next time.

"M'kay Alex" Melissa groans burying in tight to Casey, who's babying her slightly, carrying her down to our spare bedroom

Maybe that's just my outlook? I mean, I wouldn't exactly be a child specialist, is that normal?

Case could just be spoiling her.. I smile to myself, yes, that does seem to be most likely if I'm honest. The love Casey has for that girl is adorable, a really precious side of her.

Oh God, she probably wants children. Why wouldn't she?

This is going to cause a fight, I just know it is. How do you tell the woman you love, the woman you want to spend your life with that you don't want to start a family?

Okay, breathe. Maybe she doesn't?-

An eruption of laughter comes from the spare bedroom and my heart clenches. Of course she wants children, she's in her element with Melissa. Why wouldn't she want another? One of her own.

I look around the kitchen my mind racing just as fast as my heart, I need a drink. Okay, this is just a matter of searching, I can find it.

I basically tear apart the kitchen presses, I need just one bottle, one small mouthful, something to calm me down a little.

Through my searching I come across something better to ease my worries, my thoughts, a steak knife! It was hidden, Casey assuming I wouldn't find it, what she failed to note is when I'm desperate enough I'll do anything, I'll use anything.

Casey obviously hears the rattling in the presses and when she walks in, I'm gripping the handle of the knife in my trembling hands

I need one cut. Just one-

"Go on. Do it then" she whispers out, loud enough though that I hear the challenge in her tone- she's daring me to

I can't do this, not in front of her. She can't see this.

I drop the knife but the temptation doesn't lessen, I'd still do anything to drag that blade across my skin but I don't want to do it here, I don't want her to see

She walks over and grabs the knife, throwing it into the sink and after a minute she's on her knees in front of me, taking my hands into hers

"You talk to me. Talk Alex, don't do that. C'mon baby, it's just me"

_Talk to her. Open up to this woman, __**tell her**__._

"I don't want to lose you, I'm sorry" I sob against her and her hand rubs soothing circles against my back

"You won't lose me Al.. Don't think I'm going to just get up and run away- I love you-"

This makes me cry even harder, she shouldn't love me. I'm not exactly the easiest person to love.

"I-I.. I'm so scared Casey" I cling tightly to her and she holds on too, I think she's trying to reassure me by using physical contact

"Of what? What's scaring you sweetheart? Loosing me?- because you won't" she tries to tell me but I don't believe her

"Do you want children?" I blurt out and she pulls back away from me, meeting my red rimmed ones with hers, now shining with tears

"Well.. to be honest I thought about it, a lot. I'd like to have children... Is that what's scaring you? You don't want children?"

"I-I.. want you to be happy, I don't want to upset you or hold you back-"

She squeezes my hand "I have you Alex. As long as I have you I'm fine"

I shake my head, burying against her again "You shouldn't have to sacrifice your family for me"

"You're my family, I'm not sacrificing anything"


	7. Chapter 7

I don't even bother plastering on a false smile as I walk into Rebecca's office, she'd see through it anyway. I'm ready to talk today, about everything.

Last week was hard, I mentioned everything but then got upset and had to stop. Today, I'll be stronger than that. Rebecca asked me to think about our sessions when I was a teenager and we'd talk about what I remembered today. Lucky for her, I remembered a lot.

"So Alex, how've you been the past week?" Rebecca asks and I sigh, shaking my head

"I don't know.. Not great I guess"

"Okay, well then, let's start at the beginning. What's the first thing that upset you?"

I take a mouthful of the water left out for me and Rebecca waits for my reply, not wanting to push me "Okay.. Well, this night last week, after we left here I had some issues"

"Issues? Okay.."

"We were babysitting Casey's niece and I thought I could handle it, I couldn't"

"And why not?" She asks, jotting notes into that notebook of hers and I sigh

"I just, saw Casey with Melissa, she was so happy Rebecca and that terrified me. I-I don't want children, I know I don't but I know she does. And, even though she said I'm her family and she doesn't need anything else I find it really hard to believe-how long will it last? If you want children that doesn't just go away" I'm rambling on and Rebecca just let's me, she doesn't even attempt to offer input, that is until I stop

"You know you aren't your Mother right? You aren't her. You have the capacity to care, you just need to let yourself"

My heart thumps a little harder, am I that transparent?

"But Rebecca, how could I ever be a good mother? What do I have to go on? I hated my life as a kid, couldn't stand it. And I know, it was more than just mom, school was a problem too, but she was my main issue. I don't want to have a baby and have it growing up resenting me"

"But Alex, unlike your Mother, you'd have a wonderful partner with you through it all. You may not remember a lot about life with your father but you and I both know you were happy. You're scared of this Alex but I know Casey would help you through any worries you'd have.. It might be good to take things a step at a time, maybe try bonding more with Casey's niece?"

I shake my head, could I honestly be considering this? I mean, a family, it's such a huge step. I can't.

"Anyway" Rebecca pulls me from my thoughts "what else has upset you the last week? It's more than the relationship, isn't it?"

"Honestly? Yeah. I started thinking about everything, thinking back to my not so nice times.. I had a nightmare/flashback thing Rebecca"

"Okay. When?"

"The night before last"

I take another large mouthful of the water as Rebecca replies "Right, and you wanna talk about it?

"Okay. Well, it started with.."

_I walk through the halls, my eyes planted firmly onto the ground. I can't risk meeting any of their eyes. _

_I hate this school with all my heart but it's a welcome break from that 'home' or hell. _

_"Hey reject! Heads up!" I flinch at the sound of her voice, Alison. Oh God. I look up, to see her as well as her little group steadily crowding me _

_The corridor is basically deserted, me being late to school and them waiting for me, just another day._

_"Are you listening to me blondie?" Alison grabs my backpack and pulls on it, slamming me to the ground- making me slap my head off the tiles _

_The pounding in my head is intensifying with every taunt and jeer they shout at me, every laugh causes my stomach to flip. _

_I feel several blows to my side as they growl and shout more abuse at me. Comments about my family life (or lack of thereof), comments about my clothes, hair, make up and weight. _

_I roll over onto one side and in the distance I swear in hear shouting. Shouting?_

_"Girls! My office now!" The principal drops to his knees beside me, touching his hand to my head _

_"Alexandra! Alex, can you hear me?"_

_I nod, coming back to myself a little, not forgetting the pain in my head though_

_"I-I'm fine" I pull myself up against the locker "I just need a minute"_

_"I'll call your mother Alex-"_

_"No! You can't she's working- honestly Sir, I'm fine" _

_He sighs and checks me over "Okay, come sit outside the office though, we'll need to get the nurse to check you over"_

_I hum and appreciate him helping me to my feet because if I tried to get up alone I probably would've fallen _

_I get to my feet but I still sway. _

_They went easy on me this time, this has often been worse and I'm sure it will be again.._

_Well, just another day in my life._

"Wow Alex, that's one I haven't heard in a while.. That happened when you were 17, was it? And when you woke up? Did you talk to Casey?"

"Yeah it was 17 and uh... no I didn't wake her" I admit shyly and Rebecca shakes her head, brushing her fringe back with her hand

"Alex, that's something you need to fix. You can't hide from her, not if you love her and want to be with her for the rest of your lives. You need to try, not everyone is your mother Alex, you can open up to people who will let you vent, who won't shut you down"

Oh my God, she's right. I can talk to Casey. Casey has never attempted to hurt me like my Mom did, Casey cares about me.

"Alex I understand you're new to actual loving relationships with people, I know talking, opening up is hard but you need to see that for the first time in your life you are in an excellent position, you just need to let yourself be there- and well, let her be there for you"

I don't say anything, I don't think anything needs saying.

This session really helped, thank God, I was starting to think nothing would.


	8. Chapter 8

"Come out with me tonight Case" I tell her as we sit together on the couch that night after we get home and she turns to me, a beaming smile on her face

"Out-out?"

"For dinner, and I promise, no alcohol- well at least none for me. You can drink whatever you want"

Her hand caresses my cheek and she pulls me in, kissing my lips with so much passion, passion I haven't felt in months

"Ya know, Al, I'm so glad you're feeling a little better. I know things have been especially rough for you lately, it's nice to see you smile again"

"It's nice to smile again Case. Actually.." I slide my hand up her jean-clad thigh causing her to release a shuddered breath "maybe going out can be put off.. I think I'd much rather stay in"

"You would?" She raises an eyebrow, smirking playfully and I move over on top of her, humming softly in her ear and pressing featherlight kisses down her neck

"I think I'd enjoy this more"

Her hands slide under my shirt and I don't flinch, I mean, usually physical contact of any sort startles me, usually even intimate contact with Casey but this time, it's different. I'm so comfortable.

She's attentive, I notice, she's closely watching my reactions, she doesn't want to hurt me or scare me so she's going slow- which is arousing me further. I moan as her hands cup my breasts, God, I haven't felt this way in months.

I'm so glad we're doing this, it's way more fun than dinner!

xx

I smile as we lay in bed together later that night, it's been such a great evening. I loved it.

After our incredibly sexy couch activities, and our order-in Chinese we decided to relax together in bed. Her arms are looped around my waist and now and then she places lazy kisses against my lips

"I love you" I tell her and she pulls me in tighter

"I love you too Alex, so much. I really am glad to see you improving."

Okay, I need to do this, just ask her. C'mon, it's one day, you can handle a few hours.

I sit up, pulling away from her grasp and she follows my lead, realizing I need to talk.

"Case, can I talk to you about something?" I ask, knowing I'll get a positive answer, she's always there for me. It's silly of me to ask but I feel I should, it might help in the opening up to her process.

"Of course you can Al, you don't need to ask" she smiles reassuringly at me and when I gather myself together and meet her eyes I continue

"Is there any way you could get Jenna to let us have Melissa tomorrow, for the night?"

She looks confused, her brows furrowed "Well, uh, I can call her I guess? Alex, what's brought this on? When Mel was here last you seemed withdrawn, you got upset.. why would you want her here again?"

I sigh, running my tongue over my quickly dried lips "Well, Casey, Rebecca was talking to me about everything and when I told her about the last day Melissa was here and how I was feeling after it- she said that if I really want to become comfortable around kids, and maybe start a family in the future the first step I should take is to try bonding with Melissa"

She smiles, taking my hand into hers "Alex, I really need you to hear me when I say this, okay? What I said then, I mean now. I don't need a truck load of babies to make me happy, I need you. If you're doing this for you, because you want to, well, I couldn't be happier. If you're forcing yourself to do this for me, or for Rebecca, I want you to stop. I want you to be comfortable"

"But that's the thing Casey, if I don't do this now I'll never be comfortable around children. And I'm not doing this just for you and Rebecca, I want to do this for me. I want to show myself I can Casey. I want to become comfortable. I want..."

"What? What do you want Al?" She prompts, squeezing my hand and I smile sadly

"I want to show myself, and you, and well everyone, that I'm not my Mother"

She doesn't dispute it, deny it. She just presses her lips to mine in a chaste kiss and grabs her cell phone off the bedside locker "I'll call Jenna, I'm sure she'll be fine with it"

"Thank you" I say the tears shining in my eyes and as she walks out of the room she turns back to me

"Oh and Alex?" There's a pause as I look up to her "I in no way think you're your Mother"

She walks out of the room leaving me alone in silence. I bury deep into the covers and as I get comfortable I realize, this is the first time since all this therapy started again that I don't want a drink or I don't have the urge to run and find a blade.

I'm improving.

I laugh a little to myself, wow. This is the first time in years that I've felt this good. I'm so ready for tomorrow. It's one day, how bad can it be?

xx

**_AN: Kinda short I know but I thought it was right to end it here and keep the next chapter separate. So, Alex is finally starting to improve! Rebecca really seems to be helping. How do you think tomorrow will go for them? Could it throw a spanner in the works, undoing all the hard work of the last couple of weeks? Or can Alex do it? _**

**_Let me know what you all think!_**

**_And thank you all so much for the feedback! It's lovely to read such positive comments on each chapter. It makes writing the story all the more enjoyable! _**


	9. Chapter 9

We walk up the graveled driveway hand in hand and when we're about five steps to the door she turns to me, taking both of my hands in hers "You know, you still have the opportunity to run- that way" she points down the drive and I chuckle, shaking my head

"Don't tempt me Case" I say lightheartedly and I kiss her cheek "No, Casey, I can do this. I really can"

"I know you can honey, I have faith in you, just take it easy okay, you don't have to push yourself to do it all today"

"Well, I'll see how I'm feeling. I want to at least try" I smile and she mirrors me, kissing my lips chastely

It begins to get heated between us- that is until we hear an excited shriek and heavy footsteps across the wooden porch "Aunt Casey! Aunt Alex!"

My heart melts at Melissa calling me her Aunt. I was expecting her to hate me after how I acted with the the last day, I was a nervous wreck.

"Hiya Mel!" Casey smiles, bending down to kiss the girls forehead "How're you?" She asks and Melissa smiles grabbing both our hands bringing (dragging) us in the door of the beautifully decorated house

"Mommy got me a new teddy to bring with me to your house!" The girl babbles on about the giraffe stuffed animal 'sitting' on the couch we've now say I to ourselves

"So Jenna" Casey smiles at her sister "what are you going to do on your first work-free and child-free evening ever" the happiness shines in Casey's eyes and I feel my own heart lighten at her happiness, it's nice to see her happy

Jenna laughs, shaking her head "I'm so incredibly sad Sis, I have a night of sleep planned"

"A night of sleep" I sigh longingly, I wish I had one full night of sleep. Every time I finally do get to sleep I end up waking up, restless and that's me done for the night. I'm getting two hours, maximum.

Ugh.

"Are you sure it's alright to take her tonight?" Jenna asks, more me than Casey. Her eyes meet mine and I nod

"Yeah, we'll have a great time- won't we Mel?" I ask the girl who now has gathered up a pile of the toys she'd like to take with her to ours, but, like every child there's no sign of pajamas, clothes, a toothbrush- nothing.

"Yep!" The girl smiles up at me "these are the ones I want to bring"

Jenna smirks, standing off the couch "Mel, honey you can't take all them with you. Pick two to bring and then grab your pajamas"

"But Mommy, I can't pick two-"

"I'll pick them if you like" Jenna threatens the girl, while winking towards Casey and I and suddenly there's a shift in the girls mood

"No.. Um, I'll bring this one-" she picks up the stuffed giraffe, no real surprise there "-and this one" she picks up a raggedy doll, her dress torn, her long blonde hair in knots

I smile inwardly, I'm about as organized as a 7 year old kid. I mean, my files are spread all around the office in random piles- Casey's are colour coded by year and case and everything. I do need to improve that actually.

"Al?" Casey's hand brushes mine and I jump slightly, startled by the contact "are you ready to go?" She asks and I nod, standing from the very comfortable couch

"Bye Mommy!" Melissa calls back as she runs out the door bag in hand and I walk ahead, giving Casey a minute alone with Jenna

I watch Melissa run excitedly down the drive and as I do I feel my heart begin to beat faster and faster

We're bringing a child home.

A child will be in our care for 24 hours.

Maybe I'm not as ready for this as I thought I was.

xx

"Aunt Alex?" Melissa asks later that day as we're sitting together on the living room floor playing with her toys

"Yeah Mel?" I smile softly at her and she thinks for a minute, then continues

"Will you and Aunt Casey come to my ballet recital next week?"

I nod and my smile widens, she does ballet! When I was her age I did ballet- which I eventually gave up- lack of interest and well, time I guess. Everything was grade focused.

"I'll have to ask Casey kiddo but it should be fine. So, I didn't know you do ballet? Did you know I did it too when I was your age?"

She smiles a smile mirroring my own her excited green eyes meeting mine "You did?! Are you good?"

I laugh and shake my head "Not anymore Mel. I haven't danced properly in years! I lived it when I was a kid though. Do you like your recitals?"

She nods and then leaves down her doll, focusing entirely on me "Can I tell you something?" She asks seriously, lowering her voice and I move a little closer to her so I can hear her better

"I get really nervous Alex.. Before I go out, my heart gets real fast and I get sweaty. I think it's just 'cause Mommy's there but I don't know" she pauses and I think back, remembering how pressured I felt at her age, my Mothers pressures were too much to handle

I was thankful for an out I think.

I take the girls hand into mine, stroking the back of it with my thumb "Mel, is your Mom proud of you? Is she at every recital?"

"...Yeah I guess"

"Well honey, you don't need to be nervous about your Mom being there. She's so proud of you and she'll always be there for you. You should go out at every recital and kick butt, really enjoy yourself! Don't worry, okay?"

Her small arms loop around my waist and my heart lightens, she likes me. She doesn't hate me. I'm actually getting something right for once.

"Thank you Aunt Alex"

I press a kiss to the crown of her head "No problem honey"

xx

"You want me to tuck you in Mel?" I ask the obviously shattered girl as we all lay together in the couch that night and her tired eyes widen with surprise and well, excitement

"Really?!"

Casey looks over to me "you sure?" she whispers and I nod "I am"

"C'mon kiddo" I lift the almost sleeping girl into my arms and as I walk down the hall with her nestled against my chest I start thinking maybe this wouldn't be the worst thing in the world?

I did not just think that. Oh God, I'm changing.. Being around this girl is changing me. Okay, no. I need to stop this. Think about something else-

I didn't realize how heavy this kid would be when I started carrying her! She's a small girl for her age, you wouldn't imagine she'd be this heavy

I awkwardly open the spare bedroom door and lay her down on the bed covering her over

I drop a kiss to her forehead and she cuddles in further into the duvet "G'night kiddo"

"Night 'Lex"

I walk out and as I close over the door I run my hand through my hair, slamming my eyes closed

"What the hell is happening to me" I mumble to myself

I never imagined I'd be considering having children. It's just, after spending the day with Melissa, playing with her, talking to her I've realized that I'm a even a little capable of doing this.

I can talk to Casey about this later anyway, I'm sure once she's with me things will be fine- hopefully..


	10. Chapter 10

Casey's arms loop around my waist as we lay in bed together that night "Alex I'm so proud of you, you know that?"

"Proud of me? For what?" I ask honestly and she presses a gentle kiss to the back of my neck

"I know that you were terrified of everything today. You were nervous but you still did it." Another kiss pressed to my neck "Melissa adores you Alex, you may not see it that way but she does. I'm so proud that you managed the whole day, despite being terrified"

I assume by 'managed the whole day' she means didn't drown yourself in alcohol or attempt self harm. Honestly, after picking Mel up, as we were driving home I wanted a drink. I was so on edge and I thought just one drink would've calmed me down. My problem is I can't stop at one. One would've turned to 2, 4,5,10. I couldn't.

I bit my lip and drank my coffee, something a month ago I wouldn't have considered doing, I would've grabbed the first bottle to hand and downed it.

I'm really glad I didn't. This time I wouldn't have just disappointed myself or Casey, it would've been Melissa too. I couldn't stand to see the disappointment on her face as I stumbled in the apartment door at 2pm in the day, wasted.

She's only a kid, she doesn't deserve to see that. Neither does Casey really.

I'm proud of myself. I never thought I'd feel this way again- genuine contentment.

"Hey Case, next week will you sit in on my session with Rebecca?" I ask, turning over to face her and she looks confused for a second but nods

"Yeah, of course I will honey. Uh, can I ask why though? Is everything okay?"

I smile inwardly, she's so kind and caring. I'm so lucky, blessed to have someone like her.

"Yeah, everything's fine Case. It's just, Rebecca wants to talk about my past and my inability to form healthy relationships and how it's affecting you"

She doesn't deny it, she just nods and kisses my cheek "I'll be there"

"By the way, I know you've taken time off work to be with me and that's really sweet but you do need to go back eventually" I tell her and her hand slips into mine

"We're comfortable money wise Alex. I just want to focus on getting you better, we can worry about work when we need to. I told you what Liz said that day when I called in 'take as long as you both need, come back fighting fit to me- both of you'. I'll go back, when you're ready to go too. Don't think you're keeping me from work either but the way because honestly, I'm thankful to be out of there for a couple of weeks. The time I'm spending with you is precious- time we'd never get if we were working"

I'm crying by the end of her speech and it again astounds me how this woman can show such passion and love through her words, enough to make me start balling like a baby.

"I love you" I tell her as I rest my head in the curve of her neck, breathing in her natural scent as well as the faint smell of her 'berry blast' shower gel

"I love you too Al"

The lights go out I'm the room, Casey having hit the switch behind us and as I lay there in the peaceful silence. Ah, contentment.

It can only last so long though, right? I mean, it's **me**, I _never_ stay happy.

xx

I wake up to crying- Casey?

I quickly jump awake and when my eyes come to focus I notice my lovers beautiful body thrashing underneath the covers of our bed

Oh God, wake her up. It's a nightmare.

"Casey!" I shake her shoulders but she's obviously too caught up in whatever hell is happening in her dream, she doesn't wake, instead she lets out gentle whimpers between sparse sobs

"Casey, baby, please wake up!" I beg her although it's foolish, she probably can't hear me anyway

I shake her that little bit harder and thankfully she wakes up. She's shaking even now that she's awake.

"A-Alex?" Her hand reaches forward and brushes my cheek, almost like a reassurance that I'm there. What the hell was that nightmare?

-She's having nightmares? For how long? Have I just not noticed or are they new?

"Casey, baby, what were you dreaming about?" I ask and even through the darkness I see her recoil, pulling away from me

"Nothing. I'm fine"

"No, no Casey, don't do that. Please don't hide from me Case, I want to help. Talk to me, please" I move back closer to her and slip my hand into hers, which has stopped violently shaking but it's trembling at times

"I-I just... dreamt that you.." She trails off and I prepare myself, this will either be about the drinking or self harming. It must be, why else would she be reluctant to say it?

"That I what? Please, just tell me"

"Y-You came home drunk" she breathes out and I scowl, that wouldn't cause a nightmare like that would it? Why would she be so afraid?

"Okay.. what else?"

"You hit me" she says before she starts crying again "I-I know it's silly because you'd never do that but it scared me"

Oh Christ, it's worse than I imagined.

I don't really know what to say so I just pull her in close to me and run my hand soothingly along her back as she cries into me mumbling 'sorry'.

"Don't be sorry, Case. I'm sorry, I scared you"

Even if it was a dream. I scared her.

She falls back asleep comfortably in my arms but I'm wide awake, how can I sleep after that?

I couldn't do that to her. I love her. Does she think I'd hurt her?-

No, she said she didn't didn't she?

Ugh, I need to try and sleep. I'll worry about this tomorrow..


	11. Chapter 11

**_AN: thank you for all the reviews/follows/favorites! They really make my day, please keep them up. Just a warning, this chapter contains scenes of domestic violence._**

xx

I sit at the kitchen table that morning at 5am, my mind in complete overdrive. I hurt Casey. Not physically but mentally, I've done something to subconsciously make her afraid of me.

Did I have one too many one night- did I say something, do something to imply I'd hurt her?

C'mon Alex, think. There must be something.

"Aunt Alex, can I get a juice?" The tired young girl asks from the kitchen door and I get to my feet, making up her diluted juice drink

"Of course you can kiddo. Can't you sleep?"

"I'm too thirsty" she tells me as if it's the plainest thing in the world and I hand her the cup of juice "can you sleep?"

I smile, shaking my head "Nope.. I sleep weird sometimes"

"Oh okay. It's really early isn't it?"

I notice the sparkle in her eyes, she's dying to say something

"It's early enough, why?" I smile and she looks up at me really innocently

"Well, if it wasn't really early maybe since we're both up we could watch cartoons?"

I roll my eyes, smiling "Okay I guess we can. Go grab your duvet from the bed and we'll cuddle up on the couch"

"Yes! Thanks Aunt Alex!" She almost squeals and I shush her a little, reminding her that Casey's sleeping and if we get caught up watch cartoons this early we'll (I'll) get in trouble

She races down the hall and I go set up the TV. To be honest I'm glad I'm here, I'm glad Melissa and I are going to watch these cartoons. It's something to take my mind off the thoughts in my head. The thoughts of myself being an abuser. A violent, woman beater.

"Okay, I'm ready!" Melissa exclaims tossing the duvet over me on the couch and hopping up beside me "can we watch spongebob?" she asks and I smile, nodding and flicking the channel until I find the cartoon she's asked for

xx

_The hallway begins to narrow that little bit more as I walk towards the apartment door. I just cannot wait to get in here- ah, my sarcasm hasn't drowned in alcohol, unlike the logical thinking side of my brain._

_Every night it's a fucking fight! It makes me begin to despise coming home. I mean, sure I enjoy a couple of drinks every night, what does that make me such a horrible person!? Am I such a bastard just because I want some time to myself, alone, drinking?_

_I shove my key into lock and push into our small apartment. I throw my jacket onto the couch and after a few minutes alone in the darkened living room the lights come on, shocking me and hurting my eyes_

_"You've finally decided to grace me with your presence then darling" she spits the sentence with venom and I roll my eyes_

_"Oh please. I told you I was going for a drink tonight"_

_"It's 3am. I'm sick of this Alex, sick of you swanning in whenever you feel like it-"_

_"You're sick of it?!" I scoff, standing- unsteadily- to my feet "The thoughts of coming back here fucking kills me! I hate it here, I only come here because I literally have no where else to go"_

_I don't miss the flash of hurt across her features and the tears in her eyes "Well why do we bother then? Why are we attempting to throw together this relationship- you don't love me, I don't love you- we should just give up. Forget about us"_

_"Yeah, well why don't we! It'd make my life a whole lot easier- no nagging mother at home to bitch at me for having some fun" I walk over to the apartment door, she's not getting away that easy_

_"Fun?! Alex, you need to realize what you're doing isn't fun! You're drinking yourself stupid! Look at yourself!"_

_"I'm perfectly capable of holding my drink Casey! I'm fine!"_

_She attempts to get out the apartment door but I'm blocking her_

_"No, you're an idiot. Just like I am for loving you. Move Alex"_

_"I don't think so" I whisper in a vicious, unrecognizable tone "you're staying"_

_"No, I'm not.-"_

_I cut her off, grabbing her shoulders and with one smooth movement I spin around and slam her against the door "Listen to me, you're not leaving. I will not let you hurt me like that"_

_"You're hurting me Alex! Coming in every night pissed hurts me, shouting insults at me hurts me! Pinning me against our fucking apartment door hurts me!" She's screaming at me and I see red, sick of hearing her tell the truth_

_I bring my hand up and slap her, hard, across the face. She whimpers under the smack and I feel something break inside me- if she wants pain, she'll feel pain_

_I clench my fist and fire at her, connecting with her jaw and I gradually move the blows down her body, ignoring her cries of pain_

_She collapses in a ball on the ground sobbing into herself and I walk to the kitchen, attempting to source some alcohol I know is lying around here somewhere_

"Alex? Baby, wake up! Alex?!" I hear Casey's voice pulling me from the nightmare and when my eyes crack open I see her over me, smiling softly

"Casey?" I ask, sleepily and she touches her hand to my cheek

"You okay?"

I sit up, realizing I'm still on the couch and I look around "Where Melissa?"

"In having breakfast, I heard you stirring from the kitchen. What were you dreaming about?"

I shake my head, pulling my hair up into a messy bun "Nothing, I just.."

"Alex, please, talk to me" she sits in beside me, squeezing my still trembling hand in her own

"I dreamt that I attacked you" I admit quietly but she hears me, I tell by the gasp she can't hold back

"Oh Al, sweetheart. This is because of me- I'm sorry. Listen, my nightmare last night was silly, it was ridiculous. I know I was a little upset but when I woke up but Alex I knew no matter what you'd never hurt me"

She kisses me, her soft red lips pressing to my pale pink ones. We move together the reassuring kiss turning into a heavy make-out session and after a minute I pull away

"Your niece is in the kitchen Casey, we should stop" I smirk and she presses one more kiss to my lips before going back to the kitchen

"Breakfast is here when you're ready"


	12. Chapter 12

I shift nervously as I sit into the couch and Rebecca welcomes us both. With every fibre of my being I regret asking Casey to sit in on this session. Rebecca suggested this, she never said I had to agree. I'm an idiot.

"So Casey, it's lovely to meet you, I've heard lots of good things" Rebecca says shaking her hand and they exchange pleasantries, small talk, as I go over this in my head. Rebecca said today we'd be discussing me and how my upbringing had lead to here

How was it she phrased it, my 'inability to form healthy relationships'. I guess she's not wrong, as much as I like to think everything with Casey is halfway normal it isn't. I mean I got drunk every night because I was physically afraid to come home, afraid to develop our relationship, afraid to commit because when I love someone it always ends badly.

"So, ladies, I think we should just get straight into it" Rebecca says, meeting my eyes and smiling as warmly as she can. She knows I'm uncomfortable "Alex, why don't you start by sharing something with Casey that you haven't told her before?"

"I'm kinda scared of big dogs" I say seriously and Rebecca and Casey both glare at me

"Alex, you know that's not what I meant. Tell Casey something about your past, a fear relevant to your relationship- maybe something about your Mother"

I laugh nervously "Yeah, we'll ease into it" I say sarcastically and I notice another glare from Casey

"How about we start with how you're acting now?" Rebecca cuts in and it just know this will all go downhill from here "you're hesitant sometimes sure, but now that Casey's sitting in on the session Alex you're shutting both of us out. We only want what's best for you, we want you to get better- that won't happen if you aren't honest with us- both of us" she points over to Casey who's eyes are now gone glassy

"Don't you trust me Alex? I want to help you.." Her voice cracks, shes on the verge of bursting into tears and I sigh, I've caused this too. Why can't I just fucking talk to this woman! I mean, if I want to spend the rest of my life with her, maybe even start a family, shouldn't I be able to open up?

"Of course I trust you Casey.. I just, there's parts of my past of like to forget, well, most of my childhood actually and I don't feel comfortable bringing them up with anyone I'm that close with.."

Rebecca chooses this as her moment to intervene "And why don't you feel comfortable talking about it?"

Now it's my turn to glare, she's doing this to piss me off "I think you know Rebecca. Stop trying to force me to do this just because I agreed to let Casey sit in- I'll tell her all this when I'm ready!"

Casey attempts to leave mumbling something along the lines of 'this was a mistake' but I stop her

"I'll talk to you, but something's are off limits for now. Okay? Please Case, don't go, I do want to talk to you about some of this"

She sits back down and I turn away slightly, not facing either her nor Rebecca fully, I'd prefer to just say this out, not see the pity in their eyes as I relive my memories

_I'm so proud of myself. I've managed to avoid the popular group for one whole day! This morning I got to class on time, surprising myself and Mr Jessop my AP Chem teacher who gave me a soft smile as I arrived in along with everyone else._

_That never happens. I'm always made punchbag in the morning for Alison or one of her little friends, this morning- nothing. It's nearly too good to be true! _

_I was cautious at lunch, stayed in the main corridor where plenty of eyes were around just in case something bad did happen. Again, nothing._

_I walk out of English, my homework paper graded with and A+ sitting proudly in my hands. Today has been one of the best days I've had in months! I smile, a real smile as I walk out the school doors and down towards the library, where Mothers car picks me up and just as I turn the corner I feel the report get knocked out of my hands_

_"Bitch" I hear one of them shout as I feel the thump to my head- Good God, of course today was too good to be true_

_"Look! The nerd got a A in her little test!" I hear Alison taunt and I stumble forward, straight into one of the other girls, only this one has something to hit me with- a blunt object that I can't quite make out, I can only feel it hit me across the head_

_Jesus._

_I feel the kicks connect with my ribs and I swear in feel them cracking inside me_

_"Rich bitch thinks she's so great!"_

_"Ugh, look, she's so fat! Gets that from her whore mother"_

_I blink a couple of times, did I hear that right? More rumors about my Mom._

_I didn't care all that much, sure I got hurtful comments before but one will always stick with me- one passed by Chrissie Roe _

_"I don't know why people like you bother existing, why don't you just do everyone a favor and kill yourself"_

_Suddenly, things seem bad enough with my life that taking her up on that offer mightn't be the worst thing in the world._

_I don't have Daddy anymore_

_Mom apparently is having countless relationships with high power men, who she ranks higher than me _

_I have no friends _

_The people I do associate with in school are the ones who attack me every single day _

_Sure I have my good grades but that's because I spend every minute at home studying or doing homework _

_At this stage, doing everyone a favor seems to be an excellent option.._

_"Miss Cabot?! Dear, what happened to your face?" Our driver Harry asks as I eventually do manage to stumble to the car_

_"Nothing Harry, I just had a bit of an argument with some girls" I tell him as I dump my backpack onto the back seat of the car and he looks me over_

_"You look like you need medical attention Miss Cabot"_

_"I don't. Please Harry, just take me home. Is my Mother there?" I ask and he nods as he starts up the car _

_"She is. She's asked not to be disturbed actually, I believe she had a male friend over"_

_'Your whore mother'_

_"Who?" _

_"Governor Philips" he answers politely "I assume you haven't eaten Miss Cabot? Would you like me to stop somewhere for you?"_

_"No thank you Harry. I'll get something when I get home, I'm not really hungry at the minute" _

_I lay back against the cool leather seat and the coolness soothes my pounding head slightly, I just want to get home and sleep. _

_Sleep-sleep or, permanently sleep. At least sleep is a temporary escape, maybe that's all I need? A little break. Do I need more than that? Peace. Imagine it, it'd be great. I'd see Daddy again. _

_Maybe I'll just sleep for tonight, see where I am tomorrow_.

"I know it doesn't sound that huge, it was a couple of stupid comments from idiots in my school but they were like rotten seeds they planted in my brain- they grew and grew- the more they grew the more I began to believe them comments. I found things to make me feel worthless, my Mother adding to it. Everything just piled on Case, I couldn't handle it anymore" I have tears rolling down my cheeks, I'm trying to justify what I do, why I do it

"What do you mean it doesn't sound huge?" Casey asks, wiping away the tears streaking her cheeks "Alexandra, it is huge. The fact that you felt like this.. God Al" she pulls me in tight to her and I relax against her

"Sometimes I still feel like that Casey" I admit "it's not as frequent as when I was a kid but it's there.."

"When was the last time?" She asks and I really don't want to tell her. I can't tell her how I felt after last week

"I'd rather not say"

"Alex... please?" she asks squeezing my hand and I close my eyes, not wanting to meet her eyes

"After last weekend.. the nightmares. I-I.. thought about it"

"Nightmares?" Rebecca's asks, bringing my attention back to her and Casey elaborates, telling her about everything. I just sit there and let her, I think I've done enough talking for one session.

xx

**_AN: Hey! This is the longest chapter I've written in the story so I hope youve all enjoyed it! So we found out some more about Alex's past? What do you all think? And, what's everyone's opinion on Alex's mother (who, may make an appearance in future chapters, to a lot of peoples dismay- Casey's especially)_**

**_Let me know what you all think! _**


	13. Chapter 13

We sit at home that night, things have become rather awkward between us. There's a movie on that neither of us are all that interested in- she's lost in her head and so am I- I'm never really not lost in my head

I hear her sigh and I decide I do need to talk to her. Something's on her mind, more than likely about me, it's best to talk it out, right? Who knows what she's thinking.

"What's wrong?" I ask taking her hand and she smiles as best she can and leans into me

"Nothing's wrong Al. Sorry, I know I haven't been very social tonight, I've been thinking a lot about the session"

"Oh" I pause, almost afraid to ask what she's been thinking of "w-what were you thinking about?"

"Just what them girls did to you.. your Mother"

I laugh to myself and shake my head, giving her the same advice I was given "I wouldn't waste your thoughts on them Case. Them girls were nobodies the last I heard and as for my mother, well, as hard as it is to know she's there but chooses not to talk to me.. I'm used to it. I know, that sounds very sad and pitiful but I am. I have you and that's all that really matters to me"

"You're so sweet" she presses a kiss just below my ear "I love you"

"Love you too Case"

There's a comfortable silence then, one I'm thankful for, we're comfortable together, it's a relief.

It stays comfortable between us, that is until the movie finishes and she sits up, meeting my eyes "Can I ask you something else?"

"Of course you can" I assure her but that question scares me, like I assume it does most people. You start thinking of stuff you've done to upset the other person, things you've done that'd get you in trouble

"It's about children- and I know, you're in no way ready to even talk about doing this- and you don't have to if you don't want to. I'd just like to know, would you ever consider children?"

I need to think of this properly, I don't want to fuck up our relationship but I don't want to lie either.

"Okay, can I tell you what I'm really scared of? The main reason I'd have any doubts at all is because of my upbringing. I know, both you and Rebecca preach it at me, I'm not my Mother but nobody knows that until I'm around a child all day every day. I don't know how I'll handle being a mother and if it's bad Casey, I don't want to make a child suffer like I did growing up. I knew then and I know now, my Mother hates me. I'm not perfect, or her idea of it so she hates who I am.. I just don't want to be her"

She moves over and sits into my lap, wrapping her arms around my waist, resting her head on my shoulder "Alex, sweetheart, you're so kind and caring, so loving, devoted. I really don't understand how you in anyway you think you could turn out to be that monstrous woman, you are her complete opposite. I understand things are scary because you don't really having anything to go on- it'd take some time before you'd learn what to do right but Alex, I'd be learning right along side you. You wouldn't be alone.. I'd make mistakes too. Please just think about it before you knock the idea"

Kind, caring, loving, devoted- all words I'd never use to describe my mother, but that's how Casey sees me.

How am I so different to her? I mean, our way of life is all I knew growing up, for eighteen years I was stuck with that cruel manipulative woman- how can I be anything unlike her?

I guess I got Daddy's way of life, even if I don't really remember him. I wonder what he'd say if he saw me now?

Would he support Casey and I? If I'm honest, I think he'd have supported anything that made me happy.

What about how I am? The alcohol, self harm, commitment issues- I bet he wouldn't abandon me like my Mother did. He'd visit, call- ask me how I am.

Children? I bet there's nothing daddy would've loved more than a grandchild. A little one to chase in the gardens, take down to the stables and go out horse riding.

And me? I really think I could see myself doing things like that. Visiting the park on summer days, ice creams, go-karts, softball.

And the bad times too- the cuts, the falls, the accidents, the broken bones, the fevers, the stomach viruses. Could I do that? I really think I could, as long as I had Casey I think I could handle anything that happens.

She's right, we'll make mistakes, all new parents do but we'll learn, grow to know what to do right.

A baby. A little life who depends on you for everything- that's a lot of pressure. But that pressure is obviously worth it as you watch something you've moulded grow from a little baby to an adult. Years of happy memories.

A real family. One who loves me and I love too. The more I think about it the better this sounds..

xx

"I want a baby" I blurt out and as Casey begins to cough and splutter on the mouthful of wine she's just taken I realize that I should've revealed something like that at a time that wouldn't make her choke

"Y-You do!?" She can't contain the smile on her face or the excitement I'm her voice once she's stopped coughing and is able to reply- this makes me smile, she's really happy

I caress her cheek, cherishing this moment, the smile on both my face and hers so wide that our faces feel on the verge of cracking "I do.. You suggested it earlier Casey and it's literally all I've thought about. I realize I deserve to be happy- we both do. We deserve a family"

She fires herself onto my lap, peppering kisses all over my face "God I never thought I'd hear you say that! Alex!"

"I know right? I never thought I'd be saying it.. I guess when things are right you just know. I want to build a life with you Casey Anne Novak- I love you" I use my thumbs to brush away the tears of joy rolling down her cheeks

"I love you too Alexandra"


	14. Chapter 14

I close over the laptop as she crawls into bed beside me and I smile kissing her cheek "You look tired" I note and she pulls me close, burying against me

"It was a long day.. Hard case" her eyes are closing already and I gently massage her back, eliciting a moan

"I can read over a file for you if you'd like baby?"

"Tomorrow" she mumbles "I talked to Liz for you- she said there's no rush in going back, your job is always there for you. When you're ready you can go back"

"Thank you Case. I don't feel like going back yet.."

I really don't think I could handle it. The cases, loosing cases especially. I don't want to feel like such a disappointment.

"By the way Case, I've been looking online.. at, uh.. sperm banks and places" I stutter out, a lot more broken than I intended it to be. I just, don't want her to think I'm rushing into things "I mean, it was only research, on procedures and stuff- we don't have to rush out now and get anything done-"

"Alex, take a breath" she's more awake now, sitting up and smiling "honestly, I'm really happy you're looking into stuff like that. So what'd you find?"

I reach for my laptop and open it up, showing her the last page I had loaded, it's all about donor sperm insemination.

She scrolls down through all the information and we discuss different paragraphs of information

"Hey, Case, I have a question"

She turns her attention away from the laptop and smiles softly at me "Ask away"

"Uh... what exactly- uh..." I sigh, I need to calm down. She probably knows what I'm going to say

"Alex?" Casey says after a minute of silence and I realize I've been trapped in my head

"Yeah- sorry... uh, would you be the one carrying? Ya know, when we do actually do this"

She smiles taking my hand into her own "Sweetheart, there's nothing I'd love more than to carry our baby. Why, do you want to do it?"

I shake my head "No. Don't get me wrong Casey, I'm open to having a baby and raising it but I'd much rather you carry"

"Okay" she nods, smiling and I feel bad, she probably assumes I'm just scared to do it. I am, but not for the reasons I'm sure she's thinking

"I'd prefer you do it because I don't want to use my eggs.. No child deserves the Cabot genes, nevertheless mine"

She looks genuinely surprised "Al.. any baby would be blessed if they got half your genes. I know you don't see yourself like I do, but you're so beautiful- your hair" she toys with my silky blonde tresses "imagine it on a little baby, God it'd be adorable. Your eyes- ice blue- so incredibly cute. Your smile too, brightens my day. Two of them in the house? My God I'd never win an argument"

That makes me laugh, when we fight that's what I do, I smile and she melts. Any petty argument between us falls apart and we end up kissing and making up.

"I know Alex, okay, you have problems with yourself and well, family issues to say the least but Alex, you need to see, any child raised by both of us, not to blow our own horns or anything, but that kid will be pretty damn amazing. Putting genes aside and everything, we will raise one kick ass child"

I burst out laughing and pull her in close to me, kissing her lips "You don't know how much that means to me Case. You really don't"

"I'm just telling you how I feel Al"

"I love you Casey.. God so much. I've the last few weeks you've made me feel so much better about myself. Without your love and support I don't know what would've happened to me.. I know for a fact I wouldn't be even remotely as happy as I am now... Just, I don't feel comfortable doing it and you do want to, so I guess we don't have a problem"

She smiles and kisses my cheek "No baby, no problem at all. I wouldn't want you to do something you're uncomfortable with. Here- look at this here-" she points at a paragraph on IVF treatments, processes and costs

My eyes nearly pop out of my head "Wait- how the hell much does this cost?! Good sweet Jesus Christ Casey $12,500! That cannot be right!"

"Alex it's a huge procedure, I mean, they harvest my eggs and fertilize them, them they're put back.."

"Yeah I guess you're right, I just wasn't expecting it to be that much.." I read on in the paragraph, this is a lot more complicated than I was imagining.

"So the success rate is slim" I point out and Casey nods

"Yeah, it usually doesn't work the first time" she points out and I nod

"It's still worth it though- for us to get a baby" I smile at the thought, late nights, early mornings. We'd both be so happy.

I really think this baby is what I need, something to look forward to. Something to love unconditionally that'd love me back, a mini-Casey.

A little girl with bright red hair in a beautiful green little sun dress.

A little boy, bright red hair, muddying himself up running around in the park

Oh wow. I actually feel a lightness in my heart when I imagine them. The love I'd have for them would be incredible, just as dedicated as I am to Case.

And it'd be yet another reason to stay alcohol free. Something to come home to in the evenings- or maybe not come home. Maybe I wouldn't go back to work?

Alexandra Cabot the stay at home Mom.

I laugh inwardly, never thought I'd be thinking that. Me as a stay at home mother? To be honest I'd like to do it just to prove to myself I'd be better than my own Mother.

"You okay baby?" She rests her hand on my thigh and I nod

"Casey, right now, I'm the most 'okay' I think I've ever been"


	15. Chapter 15

_"Run! Go on Andy!" Casey shouts to our young boy as he runs towards the park swing _

_I smile as I watch the fiery haired young boy throw himself onto the swing and I feel Casey's hand slip into mine_

_"Can you believe it's been four years already?" She asks and I shake my head in disbelief, it only feeling like yesterday when I held the young boy in my arms that day in the hospital _

_"I really can't.. He's starting school now in the fall" I smile imagining the energetic boy in class "God bless any teacher trying to sit him down" I laugh and Casey nods _

_"I know right? He'd be more interested in going out to play than learning" she smiles and we both walk over to the swing where the boys playing _

_"Push me Mommy!" Andy says as we arrive and his swinging looses momentum _

_I rush behind him and pull back the chains, letting them go and sending the swing forward causing Andy to squeal in delight "Higher! Higher Mommy!"_

_"You sure baby? I ask pulling the chains back that little bit further, not too far though in case he fell- he still was only small and 'easily breakable' in my eyes_

_I watch as I let the swing go and the boy laughs. All I can think as I watch the scene in front of me is how lucky I am. It's crazy how two people can make you feel so special, so loved, cared for. _

_I can't believe I'd ever thought I wouldn't want a child. Looking back, I was crazy. Now I couldn't imagine my life without Andy. _

_Him and Casey have made me the happiest person alive, such a contrast to how I was before_

I wake up and when I do, I smile. It's a relief to do that if I'm honest. Instead of crying, sweating, my heart thumping from my chest- I have a lightness in my heart. I don't wake up terrified, I'm happy.

I reach across in bed and pull Casey in close to me, wanting to feel her body close to mine "I love you" I whisper against her ear and she hums, shifting I'm close to me

I lay there contently and all I can imagine is her with a baby. How much love and happiness she'd have. She'd be glowing! We'd be a proper little family, the three of us and I know, it'd be difficult, even the treatment. It's such slim odds that's it'll take the first couple of times and that'll be hard on both of us but I know in the end we can do it.

Imagine the end result, the beautiful little baby.

Oh God, I don't know what's happened to me. Casey's changed me- for the better.

Before Casey, before she made me get help for my problems- I was a mess. I hated myself, I hated my life, I had nothing to look forward to. Now look, we're talking about babies!

And for once, my idiot mother isn't playing on my mind.

I laugh to myself, some of the Cabot family money is going to be put towards IVF treatment for me and my lesbian partner. My Mother would take away every penny I've inherited if she knew this is what some of it is being spent on.

I sigh into the darkness, is it too much to ask to have a normal, loving mother?One who would support you completely if you told her you were trying for children with the woman you love.

Maybe if things work out I should go visit her. Let's face it, as much as I don't want to talk to her knowing the abuse if get, it's not like I can hide it from her. It'll be her grandchild.

Maybe if Mom saw that I'm not just messing around, that I do actually love Casey she'll at least try and be supportive.. Let's not get out hopes up.

Maybe I'll talk to Casey about paying Mom a visit. It'll be a couple of hours, how bad could it really be?

xx

"I'd like to visit my Mother" I tell Casey that morning as she gets ready for work and she turns away from the mirror, facing me instead as she buttons up her shirt

"Okay" she says sounding a mix of both confused and supportive "why?"

"Well, I got to thinking last night and I realized, we're starting a family and she's going to need to know too.. I want her to know how much I love you, how much I want to settle down, build a life with you" I sigh and Casey sits into bed beside me

"You're afraid this'll make things worse?"

"Kinda, yeah"

"Well Alex, can I give you my opinion?" She asks and I nod, encouraging her to continue "I think, and now this is only if it was me, I'd go over and tell her everything, that we're going to try and start a family, you're starting to feel in an okay place again- and if she still doesn't accept it, if she still can't see that you're happy- maybe you should just forget her? If all she's going to do is make you feel bad why would you bother?"

"I think I'll go today" I tell her and we both stand off the bed

"I'll call you at lunch to see how it went, alright?" She says and I nod, giving her a quick kiss before I head to the shower

"Okay. Have a good day"

"You too Al. Best of luck"

xx

**Okay, I can do this. **

I sit nervously outside my childhood 'home' or mansion as Casey references it when I show her the few pictures I do have from my childhood.

I tell myself that over and over in my head, I need to just stand up to my Mother. She has dictated my life for far too long.

I'll give her a chance, tell her about Casey and how we're trying. Maybe then she'll understand. If not? I'll take Casey's advice.

I get out of the car and make my way up the driveway to the lavish front doors and as I arrive and ring the bell a knot forms in my stomach- I'm a lot more nervous than I imagined I'd be

A minute passes and then a man I don't recognize answers "Yes?"

"I'm Alexandra Cabot-" I say, hating the sound of my full name, Casey can call me it all she wants, it actually sounds nice "is my Mother in?" I ask and the elderly man bows slightly opening the door wider

"Yes of course Miss Cabot, come straight in" he welcomes me and I get half way down the beautifully decorated hallway (sans any photos of myself or my Father) when I meet my Mother, who's jaw drops

"Alexandra.."

"Hi Mom"


	16. Chapter 16

"Hi Mom" I whisper out seeing her, she honestly hasn't aged a bit, it's the one thing I do want to inherit from her, the ability to grow old gracefully "it's nice to see you"

I'm not lying really. It's only when I see her again I realize how much I missed her. She may treat me terribly but she's still my mother. Ugh my head is so messed up, this woman has been horrible to me for as long as I could remember yet all I want to do right now is give her a hug.

"Wow Alexandra, you've really developed into a fine woman.." She smiles looking me over- I decided to wear my work attire consisting of my tight black skirt, my crisp white shirt and my black blazer- anything to impress her

"Thank you.. Mom, can we go sit down together? I need to talk to you"

She nods and leads me out through the kitchen to our back porch where she's all set up, bottle of wine on the wooden table and a woolen blanket set out on the bench, she was never able to handle cold well

"So, what do you need to talk about Alexandra? I believe the last time we spoke you wanted to cut me out altogether" she snaps rather harshly and I guess I can't blame her

"I know" I sigh, I don't want to apologize but there's a chance I might have to, I'll see where I can get before I have to turn to apologies "Mom, I realized in the past couple of weeks I've been very petty. I want us to try and build a relationship together, a proper one"

For the first time in a long time I see my Mother smile and her semi-wrinkled, perfectly manicured hands slip into mine, a comforting gesture I'm thankful for "Alexandra dear, that'd be great"

I pull away from her slightly, knowing the direction I'm steering the conversation in won't be appreciated "Mom, you need to understand something though, I'm in love"

"Alexandra-" she attempts to cut me off with her warning tone but I stop her, taking her hand again and squeezing it

"Please let me talk. Mom, you think that I'm messing around, that I'm experimenting with women- I'm not. Casey and I, we're settling down together- I'm really happy. I've been getting therapy, Casey has been with me every step of the way and honestly, this is the best I've felt in years. I know, it's a lot to overlook since you feel so strongly but Mom, please, meet Casey, give her a chance. This is the woman I'm spending the rest of my life with and your opinion won't change that, I'd just like if you'd support us... So yeah, that's what I came to say"

There's a heavy silence between the two of us in which Mom downs a very generous few mouthfuls of her white wine "Alexandra.. You know I don't approve of this lifestyle you've chosen for yourself-"

'**_Chosen_**'- okay _breathe_ Alex, you want to work this out, not scream at her.

"-I'd much rather you settle down with a nice man, a doctor maybe, who can take care of you. But it's clear as day that that won't be happening"

I hum in agreement- she's damn right it won't be happening. I love Casey, I'm planning a future with Casey- not some doctor, certainly not a man. So completely not my type.

"Alexandra, I truly am glad to see you improving mentally- you were in an awful state altogether, and I'm glad you're happy- but I cannot be associated with someone like... you and that woman, Casey was it?" the way she says her name, as if she's of a lower class- I do believe that's how my Mother speaks about everybody though "imagine what'd be said in my social circles dear! I have my reputation to keep up"

"So you'd sacrifice what's left of your family to uphold a reputation? You know what Mom, I've just realized this was a mistake. I was a fool to ever think you'd change for me, love me for who I am" I stand from my place beside her on the blanketed bench "I hope we do keep in some kind of contact, at the end of the day I care about you and how you are"

"Alexandra-"

"And just to let you know Mom, Casey does take care of me, better than any doctor ever could. She knows just what to say when I'm upset, angry, unhappy- she knows how to bring me back to myself. I'm the luckiest person alive to have met someone as perfect for me as her- nobody, no doctor, no congressman, nobody could take her place"

She catches my hand as I try to walk past her and she pulls me back into a hug, I can't remember the last hug I got from my Mother it's been that long so I'm shocked to say the least "Just stay happy Alexandra. I'm sorry I can't be apart of your life in the way you'd like but you understand don't you?"

I nod, I should've known something along these lines would've happened "I understand"

Agreeing just seems easier at this stage. At least after today we can call on birthdays, Christmases- occasions like that. Things aren't tense anymore. I guess that's an improvement.

My journey wasn't completely wasted

xx

Casey looks up from her desk when I walk in and smiles brightly, closing her file "Hey baby- how'd it go?"

"Well, we're on the Christmas card list but she won't be coming to dinner"

She frowns "Okay.. you wanna walk me through what happened?"

"There's not much to walk through" I tell her as I sit down across from her "I explained that I love you and no man could change that, no matter how much she wants him too"

"Right.. and that wasn't taken very well?"

"It was actually, she was very calm.. she just said she couldn't be associated with people like us"

I hear Casey physically growl "People like us?! Are you kidding me?!"

"Casey, I tried and it got no where, let's just forget it. At least I can call now and not get blanked"

"But that's not the point! What sort of mother, no, what sort of person says that! I mean, she's your Mother! How can she cast you out like that?"

I laugh and pat the back of her hand "Case, baby, she's had plenty of practice casting me out. She cares more about he reputation than me and I was an idiot to assume she wouldn't. I really do think we'll be happier this way, at least we're civil now"

"Well Alex, you're a way bigger person than I am- if that was me, I'd hate her"

"Yeah well, I've done enough of that at this stage in my life. I just want to move on from hating her.."

"You don't know how proud of you I am Al. You could've just forgotten about her, cut her out but you didn't. You went and tried to fix things- you're amazing" she stands from behind her desk and walks around to me, pulling me up into a hug "I feel so honored, you value our relationship so much to go to your Mother and defend us- I love you"

I lean in and kiss her, looping my arms around her waist as I do "Of course I'd defend us Case, to anybody.. I love too too"

She grabs her jacket from the back of her chair "C'mon let's get out of here"

I roll my eyes "Casey, how do you plan on getting the rest of the day off?"

She smiles mischievously "I have my ways.. c'mon, we need a nice day out together"

**_AN: Hi everybody! Thank you for all the support. Could you please keep all the lovely reviews up? Thank you ^_^_**


	17. Chapter 17

Casey's arms slip around my waist as she presses gentle kisses against my neck "You're beautiful" she whispers in my ear as we sit together in the park that evening watching the sunset

"Well Case," I smile, interlocking out fingers as she sits back by my side "you were right, today has been a wonderful. I mean that restaurant was beautiful, you really picked a good one there"

"Yeah you really enjoyed that spiced chicken" she smiles "the ravioli was gorgeous too.. We should go there more often"

"We really should" I agree and after another few minutes of content silence I turn to her

"Wait, there's something I still don't get- how did you manage to get the day off? I would've thought all your holiday time is gone after the last few weeks being home with me"

"A friend owed me a favor" she says mysteriously and I raise an eyebrow

"A friend? Who?"

"I can't tell you.. It's a surprise"

This arouses my suspicion, what is she talking about, who else would fill in for her? Especially just for the day..

"Casey.. what's going on?" I ask and she shakes her head, standing off the bench and pulling me up with her

"C'mon, we need to go get ready" she kisses my cheek and jogs away from me towards the entrance of the park

"Ready? Ready for what?" I call jogging after her and she smirks

"Just come home and get ready baby, then you'll see"

xx

We're on-route to a mystery location not especially dressed up but fancy enough. I still have no idea where we're going or why

Casey pulls down a back lane into an estate and the car rolls to a stop outside an unrecognizable home

I have no clue where we even are

"Casey? Okay, this mystery thing has gone on long enough, what's this big surprise? Why are we here?"

She shakes her head, tutting gently "Alexandra, I wish you'd have just a little patience. You'll see why we're here in a minute"

She steps out of the car and offers her hand, which I take and we walk to the door.

I chew on my lip, I'm actually nervous, what could we be doing here? This is somebody's home, somebody I obviously don't know.

I trust that Casey wouldn't put me in harms way but I'm still cautious- that is until the door opens, revealing the person we're obviously visiting

"Ally! Case, come on in" her thick southern accent is like music to my ears, could she really be back?!

My best friend, outside of Casey, is Abbie Carmichael and she's back!

"Abbie! Oh my God, honey, you're back?! How- I mean, when? Why?"

"Breathe blondie" she smiles "I'll get to all that in good time, can I get you both a drink?"

The three of us sit together on the couch and she lets her hair down out of its bun with a sigh and hands us both coffees "Ugh, it's so good to be out of that place- Casey I don't know how you do it"

Then it clicks with me- she was the one who covered for Casey today

"So you were our cover for today?" I smile noticing Abbie's smirk

"I was.. Casey was very excited for this big romantic day you'd had planned. Who was I to turn down a friend in need? Especially for you Ally.. So, how was this magical day?"

"It was amazing- Casey really outdid herself" I kiss the redheads cheek "I felt very spoiled altogether- Thank you Abs, for allowing us to have today"

"Ah hon' it's no problem. From what I can tell you need some time together.." Casey's cell phone blares, breaking the tense silence that's developed

I wonder if she knows? How bad things have gotten.. Would Casey already have caught her up? Probably.

Casey excuses herself to the hall, sighing at the caller ID, work.

When Abbie and I are left alone she turns to face me on the couch, taking my hand into hers "So.. you wanna tell me what I've missed when I was in D.C?"

"I assume you've been caught up, just a little at least?"

"Casey.. may have said things had gotten bad. I'd rather hear the full story from my best friend though" she gives my hand a small squeeze "if you want to tell me.. I know before I left you were never very open about your feelings"

It's only now I realize how much I've missed the brunette. Before Casey came to SVU, Abbie temped in now and again when things got especially heavy or during my holiday leave, it's how we became friends.

The day she told me got offered a job in Washington I was happy for her, of course, but my heart broke. The person I was closest to was leaving the state, I'd be alone again.

I kinda relapsed in depression around that time, I felt very alone, down. Then I met Casey and things improved briefly- until my insecurities came up again.

Finally now I'm happy- all I can wonder is how long it'll last this time?

"Guys," Casey rushes back in at throws on her coat "I'm so sorry, I have to call down the precinct, they need me for something, I think they've gotten a new lead and need a warrant- Al, I won't be any more than an hour or an hour and a half, do you want to stay here or will I swing by the apartment and drop you back?" She asks and I smile, kissing her chastely on the lips

"Baby, you go in to work, I'm fine here. Me and Abs have a lot of catching up to do- if you're late I'll grab a cab back to the apartment. Don't worry about me, alright?"

She nods and kisses me again "Okay Al. I'll speak to you later, I love you"

"I love you too baby"

Casey leaves and I sigh to myself, I just want to cuddle up to her. I really hope Casey gets home tonight.

"God, she's great for you Ally" Abbie smiles which in-turn makes me smile

"What do you mean?"

"Alex you're practically glowing, your eyes light up when you see her and when she left you looked really down- you love her and she loves you"

"Abbie, she's been so great for me. I've had so many issues dredged up again and she stood by me, she's helped me so much. I love her and when things got really bad I treated her horribly, she didn't deserve that.. I'm really glad we're back to normal- I'm back to normal"

Abbie leans forward and takes a large mouthful of her coffee "How are you? How were you before this? Things were very bad then..?"

I go into detail, telling her about the self harm, the alcoholism- everything and by the end of the conversation I feel so much better about everything. Rebecca and Casey are great to talk to about how I was feeling but talking to Abbie just feels easier, I don't feel as judged.

"Alex, you want to start a family? My God, Novak has changed you!" She emphasizes changed and I smirk

"What can I say Abs. she's perfect and we deserve to finally be happy. I really think a child could make us happy.. Her niece Melissa stayed with us a couple of weeks ago, I loved every minute with her. I'm not scared of children anymore, I really think Casey and I could do this together"

She chuckles, patting my shoulder "Alex, honey, I'm really glad you're so happy with Casey- you are feeling better now, right? You don't feel down anymore?"

"Somedays are a little rough, not even close to how I was feeling before this but things weren't magically cured. I'm still seeing Rebecca for appointments but I'm pretty sure I can stop them soon.."

"I'm so proud of you Al.. your life is so together- Jesus I'll need to gather my shit shortly, I won't stay this young and fabulous forever- I'll need to bag myself a decent woman while I can"

I scoff "Why not Benson? I mean, I never really got that close to her personally but she seems pretty nice"

"She is pretty smokin', y-yeah.. maybe I'll ask her out, I don't know. Oh! By the way- guess who else is back in the city- and back working on our side?"

I scowl, thinking, who could be back? Apart from Abbie the only person I was really close to who left the city was-

"Serena Southerlyn" she smiles and my jaw drops

"'Rena! No way!"

How is everything falling back into place? I mean, I literally had nothing, no friends, no family who care- now look what's happened? I have a wonderful girlfriend and the other two people I'm closest to on this planet are back in the city I live in.

Things are just so great right now.

xx

**_AN: Hello! I'm sorry I took a long time to update this story, I was doing exams and stuff the last few days so that's been stressful! I got this written in the spare time I did have!_**

**_So what do you all think? Things are taking a happier turn, Alex's friends are back around for her, Casey and her are getting along great and they're going to start trying for a family! _**

**_I hope you all are enjoying the story and thank you all for your continued support!_**


	18. Chapter 18

Casey arms wrap around me as she falls into bed early that next morning "I'm sorry I'm so late darling.. things were more complicated than I expected"

I roll over and kiss her "No problem babe- are you alright?"

"Fine, I just missed you is all" she buries against me and massages my shoulders gently "can I ask you something Al?"

I sit up a little and she pulls me a little closer to her "about-uh-conceiving" she pauses and her tone of voice scares me, she sounds upset, nervous- is she going back on it? Changed her mind?

"Yeah? Is everything alright- are you changing your mind?-" I start and her hand runs along my back, soothing me

"Of course I'm not Alex, what I waned to ask is how soon do you want to go and check the sperm bank out? Or, when would you like to start trying? We never really pinned down a time range.."

I think this answer over in my head, how soon do I want this? I mean, I don't want to wait too long- odds are it won't happen the first time and when it does happen we'll have to wait 9 months. Sooner rather than later would be best maybe..

"Well, uh, honestly? I'd like to do it as soon as we can.. give it a shot at least, I know that it probably won't happen straight away and it'll be a hard enough process but I really think we can handle it- of course I need your input though, I mean you're the one carrying"

Her lips press to mine and we share a long passionate kiss- until she pulls back, air becoming an immediate necessity "I'm so glad to hear you say that Alex! I-I was actually thinking maybe this Saturday since Rebecca is away, we might call over.. talk to some professional people?"

"That's a great idea Case, really great. Casey, I never, ever, thought I'd be lying in bed with my lover discussing having children- you don't know how happy you've made me"

"I'm happy I make you happy Al, all I want is to make you happy.. I hate seeing you upset or unhappy" her hands slide down my thighs and I feel her fingers press against my silk pajama bottoms against my relatively healed scars "I want you to talk to me, if you ever feel unhappy again- I'm here for you about anything"

I cover her hands, still resting on my thighs, with my own "I promise you I will Casey. I'll never let things get that bad again- especially with how our lives are progressing now"

"I'm glad you feel so good Alex- honestly" she let's out a yawn and I remember how late-or rather early it actually is

"You need to sleep baby, you've had a long night"

She nods in agreement and rests her head on my shoulder "Love you Alex"

"I love you too Case"

xx

Walking into the sperm bank that Saturday has both of us terrified. I notice Casey's uneasiness by the shake in her hands- which I take into mine

"Baby, it's okay, we're only talking about this today, alright? We're not making any decisions or anything" I attempt to calm her down and oddly enough my own words calm me down, they reassure me

We sit together in the waiting to be met by a consultant, Doctor Yvonne Philips. I've heard a lot about this woman, apparently she's outstanding I'm her field, from what I read on her anyway- yes read- I've really been doing my research.

I want this to work out. Me and Casey, we deserve to be happy and imagine a little baby, imagine Casey with a little baby! Oh God, I bet she'd be perfect, even more so thank now-

"Miss Novak, Miss Cabot?" we hear our names called and Casey stands firmly gripping my hand

"You ready for this Alex?" She asks and I nod

"I'm very ready, you?"

"Terrified, but ready"

We walk through the other couples sitting in the waiting room and into the spacious office of Doctor Philips

"Now ladies, it's lovely to meet you both" the woman in her mid thirties (at the most) welcomes us into her office, providing coffee and water "today I'm just going to talk you through what happens, the procedure- if either of you have any questions at any stage please do stop me, I tend to forget to take a breath, so if you need to ask just jump right in"

I smile, I like her already.

"Okay, so first of all, it's wonderful that you both want to do this- but as I'm sure you're aware it's not going to be an easy process. You're going to need to decide who's going to carry, a sperm donor first, then we'll bring the carrier in for tests just to make sure everything's okay" she takes a drink of the water I'm front of her and I look over to Casey who's grinning and very obviously more relaxed

"Then after the test results, if they're all clear we can start the procedure. We'll track the carriers menstrual cycle and at the week before ovulation we'll harvest some eggs"

Wow, there is a lot involved in this. I didn't realize there'd be tests and stuff- God, poor Casey is going to be exhausted!

"We'd then take the donor egg and attempt to fertilize them with the sperm chosen. This'd take around a week. Then, we'd check back in with the eggs to see how many, if any had fertilized. If they have then they'd be inserted back into the uterus and we'd wait to see if any of them take to the uterus"

"And then?" Casey asks and Yvonne smiles

"And then you'd both be expecting a child" she tells us but then sighs "ladies, then there'd be risks too- ones we'll discuss when the time comes that we have to"

"Risks?" I ask, becoming concerned for Casey "risks..."

"I mean once you get pregnant there's always the risk that the pregnancy will be unsuccessful- or a risk of medical complications. Things like that are very rare though, most pregnancies go off without a hitch- that hardest part will be conceiving"

Casey squeezes my hand "Well Yvonne, we've already decided that I'd carry so could we maybe have some files on donors? Ya know, to pick out ones we like?"

Yvonne stands from her chair and walks to a large cabinet at the back of her office "That's no problem, let's see, I have this," she pulls out a pristine white folder "it has information on a lot of our donor samples- no names or anything, just general information and interests"

She walks over and hands me the folder "You two can take as long as you need to look through these and decide, just call back in when you think you've decided on one"

"Great" I smile flicking through the folder in my hands "thank you very much Yvonne"

"No problem Alex, I'll see you both again soon"

"Yes" Casey smiles "you definitely will Yvonne"


	19. Chapter 19

**_AN: Hey everyone. Okay his chapter may see a little jumpy but I added a chapter, deleted it from my phone and then realized the file didn't save in Dox. I considered writing it again but I really don't have the time to write it all out again- I put the important scenes at the start of this chapter then ^_^ _**

**_And Stussy, don't worry about Abbie's love life! Believe me, I think you'll be very happy as the story goes on.. ;)_**

xx

We sit together on the couch flicking through yet more donor files- Casey and I haven't agreed on one donor this week, too small, not the right hair colour, eye colour, weight- it's been way harder to pick than I expected.

"Alright" I say reading over a file and handing it to her "I actually think we'll both like this one"

She reads the information out loud "Okay, he's blonde- like you, that's good. Uh, blue eyes, 115 pounds, degree in applied science.. You're right- I like him, put him in the yes pile"

I leave it down on the table by itself and she scowls "is that meant to be a joke?"

"No, that's genuinely the 'pile' of donors we agree on" I smile and she shakes her head, running her hand through her hair

"Alright, we've been a little tetchy the last few days over this.. so you really like this guy then?" She's asks and I nod

"I really do, do you?"

"I do. So let's choose him, he'll be perfect. We'll talk to Yvonne about it when we go in"

"Great" I look at the file "and can I just say donor 7134255 just sounds so perfect. I'd consider it as a name for the child" I laugh and she pounces onto me, tickling my sides- making me laugh harder

She kisses me cutting off my begging for her to stop and I moan into her "Oh Case" I breathe out as we break apart

"Ya know Al, we have some time before Abbie and Serena get here.."

I hum in approval "What are we waiting for then"

xx

I pull my freshly washed hair into a bun as I answer the door "Abbie, 'Rena come in.. God, Southerlyn you haven't changed a bit!"

"Well thank you! Its always sweet to hear you haven't aged in three years" she smirks and as Abbie walks in she pats my back

"Love the hickey Al"

I blush furiously- I told Casey my dirty minded friend would notice, but she insisted it'd be fine.

"Thanks Abs"

We go to the kitchen and I pour out the coffee I put on before I answered the door as the three of us catch up properly I notice the look Abbie's giving Serena as she talks- Abbie's eyes are filmed with so much care, contentment- oh my God Abbie has a crush on 'Rena!

I smirk to myself, how perfect!

Casey walks in, smiling "Hiya guys" she says pouring herself a cup of coffee

"Casey Novak, a pleasure to meet you" Serena smiles standing and shaking her hand

"You too Serena, nice to put a name to a face. I've heard so much about the woman who had the balls to stand up to McCoy"

She chuckles and as her and Casey fall into a comfortable conversation about work and similar cases covered- I see my opportunity and take it

"Hey Abs? Out here for a minute?" I gesture into the living room and she follows me out

"Everything alright hon'?" She asks and I smile

"Oh how about you tell me- you like Serena, don't you?"

She fumbles with the sleeve of her jacket "I mean, she's one of my best friends-"

"You know that's not what I mean. You have feelings for her" I say despite her deeper blush

"Well.. I mean.. I- uh.. God Alex! Fine, yes, I have feelings for Serena" her voice drops lower "I do, but please don't say anything"

"Of course I won't honey- but you need to! Oh My God! You'd be so cute together- imagine if you two got married!" I squeal as quietly as I can

"Please, let me take the woman out before you say things like that"

"Fine- but you need to tell her soon! I'm just so excited for you both!"

xx

The next day, I sit nervously flicking through dated magazines waiting for Casey to come from the small clinic room. I'm terrified. Casey went in nearly an hour ago, I can only imagine how she's feeling now.

"Okay, well that's all your tests done Casey" Yvonne says as Casey walks back into her office and I can't help but notice how pale she's gone- I feel bad for her, getting all them tests done all at once

I take her hand into mine and Yvonne smiles, nodding "Can I just say, the love the both of you obviously share for each other is refreshing. Honestly, it's really nice to see. Anyway, we'll bring you back in when we get the test results ladies, then we can talk from there. I'll call you over the next few days, alright?"

"Yeah, thanks so much Yvonne" I smile softly and Casey and I leave the office, her legs still quite obviously shaking

As soon as we leave the clinic I wrap my arm around her waist "Are you alright Case?" I ask and she shakes her head

"A-Al- I don't think I've ever felt this tired" she mumbles out and I pull her in tight to me

"I know baby, listen we'll get home and I'll run you a nice hot bath and we'll grab an early night together"

She moans just at the thought "I'd love that.. Thank you for knowing exactly what to say"

I sit her gently into the passenger seat of the car and within minutes into our drive home she's dozing beside me. Poor Casey.

The tests lasted such a long time, normally blood tests only last minutes but they had to take several samples, then there were her vaginal tests. They even sounded uncomfortable so I can't imagine how she was feeling- is feeling now.

The drive home goes quickly, I turned the radio on low after Casey falls asleep so that makes the journey go that little faster.

I pull into the drive and when the car rolls to a stop I don't have the heart to wake her. She looks so exhausted.

I sigh, looking myself over- I'm strong, I can lift her.. I mean, she's slim- I can carry her.

I get out of the car and close over the door as quietly as I can, not wanting to disturb her. I plan ahead and go and unlock the door of the apartment, not wanting to have to mess with keys when I get down the hall

I come back out to the car and open up her door, wrapping one arm around her shoulders and the other under her leg, hoisting her bridal style into my arms

I smile to myself as I walk into the quiet apartment building and down the hall to our apartment- bridal style, carrying her 'over the threshold'- shame she isn't awake to see it.

I lay her down on the couch and rush back down the the street, locking the car- can't take the risk, especially in the city at this time of the evening.

As I rush back down to the apartment I shake my head, this is the most exercise I've gotten in days, I really should start jogging again.

Oh!- I have to make my final appointment with Rebecca too! I'll see how busy I am this weekend and if Casey's results come back. If they do, we may have to go back to Yvonne!

I slip into the apartment and find Casey in the exact place I left her, passed out on the couch. I consider just putting her to bed but she really loved the idea of that bath and I think it might help so I go up and run it for her.

I use her favorite bubble bath- some muscle relaxant thing that she swears by after a hard day at work and as the bath fills I go down to the living room and gently wake her up

"Casey, sweetheart, the bath is ready" I run my hand gently through her hair and as I do all I can think to myself is how glad I am to be taking care of her for once

I hated depending on her so much when things were really bad and it's a nice role reversal if I'm honest, I like being there for her

She groans as she wakes up and I kiss her gently before lifting her back into my arms, walking down to the bathroom

"I'd want to get tests done more often" she mumbles against me as I carry her down "especially if this is the treatment I'm getting afterwards" I hear the smile in her voice and that makes me smile too, even now she's joking around

One of my favorite things about her, her sense of humor.

"I'll do this everyday for you if you like.. especially the bath thing, seeing you all pretty and well, wet"

She laughs as best she can "you pervert, I'm hurt and your mind is still in the gutter. Thanks a lot- real compassionate"

I sit her on the side of the bath and unbutton her blouse "You know I love you" I kiss her cheek and fold up her blouse, leaving it on the side of the sink

"And I you" she replies, standing to allow me to slip off her trousers and underwear

She sits into the bath and the moan that falls from her lips as she lays into the hot water really does arouse me- I can't think that way, she's hurting.

"Can I join you?" I ask, toying with the hem of my t-shirt and Casey nods, letting her head fall back against the bath

"I was hoping you would" she mumbles

I strip off and slide in behind her still tense body. We sit mutely for a few minutes, the only sound is the sloshing of the water as I run the sponge over her or she washes her legs. As I run the sponge over her shoulders I feel the knots there, the tension and I want to take it away- or at least try "Can I run your shoulders baby?" I ask and she rests against me nodding

"Please do"

I rub the tension from her tight muscles and as I do I press gentle kisses to the back of her neck "Casey, you're so amazing. After coming from the clinic today and even now, you're in pain. I know them tests were rough on you honey and the fact that you're doing all this just so we can start our family... well, it's the most special thing that anyone has ever done for me. Thank you"

"Alexandra, you don't have to thank me. I'm doing this for both of us. Things are so good between us now, we're both in such a great place- I want this. I want to build a life with you, properly"

'Build a life with you'- that'd include marriage too right? I smile to myself, getting married! Imagine her standing in front of me in a beautiful white dress ready to vow her life to me

How have I never thought about this?

"I want to build a life with you too baby"


	20. Chapter 20

"Where are we going?" She asks pointing to the cases I've been packing since early morning and I smile brightly, moving away from my packing and over to her, wrapping my arms around her

"You and I are taking a trip" I kiss her cheek and raises an eyebrow

"A trip? Where?- you've never mentioned a trip" she sounds confused and I shake my head

"Patience being your best quality" I say sarcastically and she rolls her eyes

"Oh yeah like you're any better- we're as bad as each other and you know it"

I caress her cheek with my hand "it's what makes us so perfect for each other beautiful"

I notice the blush rise to her cheeks and I cringe internally, she doesn't believe me when I call her beautiful. I reckon that's just a sign that I haven't made her feel that way enough, I haven't told her how gorgeous she is- how even one flash of her beautiful smile can warm my heart. I need to fix that.

"Casey Novak, you look at me. You're a beautiful woman, inside and out. One I'm honored to call my lover, my family- I'll tell you everyday until you believe me and that shy blush goes from your cheeks at the compliment"

I notice her glassy eyes and the watery smile she's offering "If you keep saying things like that I don't think I'll ever stop crying" I brush away the tears of happiness rolling down her cheeks

"Well, as long as you feel beautiful I don't really mind.." I smile and she buries into me

"When did you get so perfect?"

"When I realized I'd never survive a moment without the love of my life by my side- and when I realized I need to make her as good as she makes me feel every. single. day." I stress the words and she nods

"I love you Lex"

"Love you too Casey- now, are you gonna help me pack?" I ask and she grabs some clothes and puts them into her case

"So can I have a clue about where we're going?"

"Bring a bathing suit" is all I tell her and she grabs her deep purple suit from the drawer, I hum in approval

"Oh, yeah.. definitely bring that one" I smile my mind clouding in arousal- and she obviously notices, smirking and wrapping her arms around my waist

"Ya know, I'm feeling pretty good after yesterday.. if you wanted to...?"

"With you Case I always want to.. you're just so.. ugh" I give up on trying to formulate sentences and instead kiss her, a passionate, air stealing kiss and we blindly stumble towards the bed, still caught up in our kiss

"I love you"

"I love you too Casey"

xx

We drive towards the cabin in a comfortable silence. I smile as I take a turn into the familiar area, I love it here and I don't get up as much as I'd like- I've never brought Casey up so she'll be pleasantly surprised- for once I picked somewhere nice and romantic for a getaway

"Wait, Alex, what about work?" Casey realizes, tensing beside me and I smile

"I'm surprised that wasn't the first thing you asked honey. I sorted it out for you- I actually went down and talked to Liz"

"Oh wow.. I bet she was delighted to see you back at the office"

"She was. Also, I told her we were trying- or starting to. I hope that's alright"

She smiles, resting her hand over my one on the wheel "You don't need to check with me baby, shout it from the rooftops if you like, I know I will when it does happen"

"Well, she gave us time- said not to risk anything by putting pressure on yourself. Casey, I told her I probably won't go back" I say it casually and when her eyes widen and her jaw drops

"Y-You won't go back? Wow Alex.. you've never mentioned anything about that before"

I nod, she's right, I haven't mentioned it. It was a relativity new thought but I know it's the right decision- when we do start a family I'd much rather be home with any child we do have- I refuse to get a nanny or a child minder, I want to do this right.

"Yeah well, work isn't important to me Casey. Not over any child we have. I don't want to pawn our child off to 'the help', I want our baby- or babies- to feel loved and anyway, money isn't a huge deal anyway, I always have the rainy day fund" I smile, omitting the fact that our 'rainy day fund' is over 2 million dollars and is growing by the year- thanks to the social connections of the Cabot's

She squeezes my hand "Well Alex, if this is what you really want I support you. Anyway, you can always go back if you change your mind, Elizabeth would have you back in a heartbeat- she loves you- AL, this is where we're staying?!" She exclaims as I pull up to the cabin

"Yeah" I smile shyly "it's my cabin"

"It's not a cabin! It's a mansion- I grew up in a house smaller than this!- wait, I'm sorry did you say this place is yours?!"

I nod and hop from the car, taking our cases with me. We've arrived at a perfect time, the suns just setting- it's beautiful. The sky is illuminated in a deep orange and as soon as I get in and drop our bags inside the hall I turn around and slip my arm around Casey, walking her along a worn down pathway through a small forest to the lake

"Alex" she gasps taking in the scenery "this is so beautiful here! I bet you loved coming here as a kid"

I shake my head and we sit together on a hollowed out log "Actually, we only came twice- both times were after Daddy died and I hated it here- I'm really glad you're here with me, we can make new memories, happier ones"

Her hand touches gently against my cheek "of course we can.. So how long are we here for?"

"Well, I called Yvonne and asked how long the results would take and she said she'd call when they're ready but it's around a week usually- so it's a week or when she calls"

"Woah.. a week here- uninterrupted. It's just so perfect Alex"

"C'mon inside" I sat standing from the log and turning towards the house "I'll give you the tour"


	21. Chapter 21

**_AN: Hey everybody! Thank you for all the support! Over 70 reviews, I'm so honored that you're all enjoying the story so much! I know you're all looking forward to Casey's pregnancy- but you'll need to wait just a little bit longer before they get their happy ending! Don't worry, it will happen, just not right away! (Alex's proposal however is coming up) _**

**_I hope you all still enjoy the story and keep the reviews up ^_^_**

xx

The next morning I'm standing in the spacious cabin kitchen, wearing nothing except my panties and Casey's softball jersey as I try and decide what to do about breakfast

There's no food in the house, it really would've been an idea to drive down and stock the fridge before we arrived. What'll I do now? I don't want to wake her but I don't want to leave without her, she'd be worried. I'll wait- we can spend a day together in the village anyway

Thats usually my favorite part of my trip here, visiting the village. It's nothing like the city- it's the complete opposite. I love the serenity, the peace. It's a rural village, completely different to any one I've ever been to in my life.

It's the most memorable part of my two visits here as a kid.

"The bed's cold without you Al" I spin around and see her still looking dazed, gesturing for me to come back down to bed

"I had plans baby, of serving you up an elaborate breakfast in bed- but, one minor issue, there's no food"

She laughs "Well that would be a problem alright"

"Okay, so now that you're up, get dressed, we're going into the village- we'll get some breakfast, buy in some food for dinner and well, see what else we can do to keep us entertained" I smirk and she nods heading back down to the room

"You don't need to change" she shouts back to me "you look very sexy in that outfit"

I roll my eyes "Oh yeah, like you'd want me showing myself off in this. Hell, you freak out if my skirt is above the knee in court"

She reappears in the living room "You misunderstand sweetheart, the only time I 'freak out' about that is when Trevor Langan is involved in the case in someway- you know how creepy he gets with you.. He looks at you like he wants to stick his hand up your skirt- it's appalling" she sounds so possessive- angry too- it's very hot

I walk over to her and prize her arms apart, looping them around me "Oh Cassandra, you know you're the only one who can stick their hand up my skirt"

She bursts into laughter and as it dies down she kisses me "That was the sexiest, most reassuring thing I've ever heard in my life"

"I love that you're so protective over me Casey, but just know that I'm yours- only yours. I have no interest in men, especially not Langan, believe me. You're my whole world Case"

"You're mine too baby.. Okay, I'm gonna go get ready so we can spend our day in the village. Thank you for that talk, I didn't realize how much I needed it until we had it"

"Happy to help honey- come to me when you feel like that again, okay? I don't want you feeling upset, or stressed- or anything like that"

She pecks my cheek and goes down to get changed. I watch her walk away and as she turns into the bedroom I sigh, I didn't realize Trevor got to her so much. I need to keep an eye on her, be more aware of how she feels- especially around him.

xx

"Oh.." She gasps looking down on the small village from the too of the hill "Alex, you're right, this place is so beautiful"

She slips her hand into mine as we start walking down to the village. She looks so happy, I'm really glad I brought her here. It's really nice that we're both so relaxed, for once.

"Casey? Um..come down here a minute" I lead her down the lane-way past a few small scale shops to a old building, one that hasn't changed. I'm sure she doesn't understand why we're here, she'll figure it out soon enough.

"Uh- Al, are you sure we're in the right place-"

I caress her cheek "Oh baby, we are most definitely in the right place" I knock on the door and Karen appears at the door, smiling

"Alex, dear! You're earlier than I expected" she pulls me in close "this is your lovely Casey, I assume?"

"Yes, Karen this is Casey Novak, my partner. Case, this is Karen Blake, a friend of mine"

Casey offers her hand which Karen shakes "It's lovely to meet you" Casey says and we step into the small hall way, Karen leading us through her living room out the back door

"I have it here Alex," Karen says unlocking the door of the small garage out the back

We walk in and my eyes light up, all the jewelry around, it's all so beautiful. I see the rings in the corner and I smile to myself- she'll love her ring, more than I love it.

Karen reaches up and pulls down a long black box, one I know doesn't have the ring in it, a smile to myself, she has an excellent cover up "Here you are honey, fully restored" she beams proudly opening up the box

I take the beautiful silver chain into my hands "Oh wow Karen.. that's exactly as I imagined it. Thank you"

"No problem Alex" she says and she gestures to Casey

I turn to her, a smile on my face "This is why I brought you here Casey.. Karen restores jewelry and well, I wanted to give you something special" I show her the chain and she shakes her head

"Alexandra, that's beautiful, oh wow" she takes the chain into her hands

"It was your grandmothers, right Alex?" Karen adds in and I turn back to her, smirking

"Yeah. It was- I got it when my Daddy died" I turn back to Casey "may I?" I gesture to the necklace in her hands and she nods

"Please, do"

I slip the chain on around her neck "It looks even more beautiful on" I tell her "Karen that was an excellent job, thank you so much"

"Why don't you both come inside, I have some coffee in the pot" she smiles and Casey walks out she'd of us- giving Karen the opportunity to slip my ring box into my hand

"There you are honey"

I hide the ring box in my back pocket "Thank you. For the necklace too Karen- I'll need to pay you-" I whisper, to avoid Casey hearing and Karen shakes her head

We walk in the door and Casey kisses my cheek as I walk over to help Karen with the coffee "Don't be silly. I wouldn't take money for restoring the ring, I won't take it for the necklace- it was only one from my jewelry box, I can replace it"

"Your jewelry box costs about $10,000 though" I smile and she chuckles, handing me out coffees

"Just take it honey, consider them as gifts"

"Thank you"

xx

Casey and I lay together that night in the cabin, on the luxury skin rug by the fire. I watch her toy with the chain around her neck "So you like it?" I smile and she nods, pulling me in tight to her

"It's the most beautiful gift I've ever gotten Alexandra" she tells me and I see the tears shining in her eyes

Nows as good a time as any, right?

"Casey, I have another gift" I smile and her eyes widen

"Baby, I don't need anything else-"

I press my finger to her lips "Case, babe, just listen. You are the love of my life" I move my finger from her lips and hold her face in my hands "I love you with all my heart and you've been so great to me- stuck by me through everything, all my problems- in times when you really should've left, you stayed. I just need to tell you how much I appreciate how amazing you've been- I want you to know how much I love you and how important you are to me.. Casey, you're not only my lover- you are my best friend, the person I trust entirely, with my heart, my life. I want to spend my life with you Casey"

I pull the ring box from my pocket, my hands trembling. I'm terrified, what if she says no? My hearts thumping hard.

"S-Share your life with me Casey, please. Be my wife"

Her breaths are unsteady, tears falling down onto her cheeks, her eyes focused on the ring "Oh... Alexandra... I-I... Of course I'll marry you!"

I slip the ring from the box and take her left hand into mine "I love you, my beautiful fiancée" I put the ring on her finger and she chuckles through her tears of joy

"I love you too sweetheart- God, I love you so much!"


	22. Chapter 22

"Alex, honey- c'mere" Casey calls from bed and I smirk as I put the finishing touches to my outfit

"Casey baby, as beautiful as you are in just that sheet you do need to get ready.. We can't keep going like bunnies- we have a lunch reservation"

She walks into the bathroom and I'm alerted to her presence by a low whistle "Well-well, look at you" I feel myself blush at her comment but I don't deny the compliment in it, today I do feel really beautiful.

"Thank you... I think"

Her hands slide over my hips, over the ice blue dress and she moans against my neck "What time is that reservation at again?"

I laugh as I attempt to apply my light pink lipstick "You know what we're like when we get started baby, the reservation is in less than an hour- we can do lots more of that tonight. Just," I turn and face her, noticing she's chosen to arrive to the bathroom sans her sheet "...we'll be late i-if we.."

"Okay, I know, I know. I'd hate to ruin how you're looking now anyway.. I can restrain myself.. I think"

I laugh, rolling my eyes as she jumps into the shower. I watch the jets of water spray down over her body and I dart my tongue out over my dried lips. I just cannot get enough of this woman! I need to leave the bathroom before I do something I really shouldn't do.

"Hey- honey. Go to my side of the bed- check the locker"

I scowl, if this is something inappropriate I'm going to... ah let's face it, if it's something inappropriate we won't get to lunch.

I open the drawer and when I do I blink twice, just to make sure I'm seeing what I think I am.

I pick up the ring box and when I open it I smile, she has a ring. She had a ring before I proposed! She wanted to marry me too.

I take out the ring and put it on my finger, it's beautiful and it surprisingly enough resembles the one I got her "Casey" I call out, my voice broken "it's beautiful.. Really special. Thank you"

The shower dies and she walks out of the bathroom, dripping wet but she has a towel around her "It's no problem, I'm just jealous that you got to it before me.. Show me" I hold out my hand and she smiles, nodding "Yeah. It looked as good, if not better, than I thought it would"

"Well smooth talker, we better go. Lunch awaits"

xx

We walk out of the small village restaurant hand in hand and I jump as my cell blares

Casey's eyes meet mine "Is it Yvonne?"

I bite my lip and reach into my purse, taking the cell into my hand. I nod and connect the call "Yvonne, hi"

"Hi Alex. Knowing about your plans I am sorry to call, we got the results"

"Is she alright?" I ask worried at her tone

"Alex, she's fine. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. I felt bad about calling because well, Casey's ovulating next week and if you do want to do this for this month, you'll need to come back to the city"

"We'll come back Yvonne. That's no problem- we'll see you in the next couple of days"

I look up and I notice the expression on Casey's face, she mightn't be the happiest about going home. She's been more relaxed here the last couple of days than I think I've ever seen her. She loves it here. I make a mental note to call up here again in the close future.

"That's great Alex. I'll see you both when you get back to the city"

"Yeah see you then Yvonne"

I hang up and Casey sighs, running her hand through her hair "That sounds serious- we have to go, do we?"

"I'm sorry darling but if we'd like to attempt any baby-making this month we'll need to get home to do some harvesting" I pat her stomach and she laughs, shaking her head

"I guess we better go and pack up- also, that was very well put Al"

I squeeze her hand and press a kiss to her lips "I love you. I'm sorry our trip was cut short.. I guess it was to be expected. Yvonne said she'd call"

"I know Al, it's okay to feel a little disappointed though, I mean we were having a nice time"

I nod but then smile "We can come back here once everything works out anyway- maybe set up some swings and stuff"

"Baby, you can't get your hopes up like that.. I mean, things mightn't work our all that well, there could be complications-"

I nod as we walk up towards the cabin "I know about all the complications, I'm sick of talking about complications. We never talk about things actually working out"

"You're right" she nods "but we just need to be cautious, please try not to think it'll work straight off the bat"

"I know. I just.. really want it to work out" we walk in through the kitchen into the loving room. I run my hands over her stomach "I really want to see you carrying our baby"

"C'mon, let's go pack, if you do want to see me carrying our baby we'll need to get back to the clinic"


	23. Chapter 23

Casey walks into the clinic ahead of me, nervously fidgeting. I bite my lip, I hate seeing her wound so tightly, I guess she's starting to feel the pressure.

"Casey, baby, will you please breathe. I know this is a lot of responsibility on you but today is just the beginning, we'll have a lot more to worry about after today. Today is the easy part"

"I'm glad you think having them shove tubes up into me to pull eggs out is the easy part" she teases, still obviously very nervous and I run my hand over her back as we sit down

"You listen to me Casey. No matter matter what happens in this clinic we will get a baby. If this doesn't work Casey, we have other options. Adoption is always good, I mean, there's are thousands of children who need a new home. We could always do that. Please, don't stress yourself out over all this, alright?"

"Alex, are you going to Rebecca this weekend?"

I'm shocked, why would she ask that? Does she want to speak to Rebecca? Why would she want that?

"Uh.. yeah, I think I am, I don't know. W-Why?"

She shakes her head, meeting my eyes "No reason, I just want to talk to her about all this, how I'm feeling"

"Why? How're you feeling?"

She tenses a little bit and chews down on her lip "just nervous and well, pressure-"

"Pressure? You don't want to-" my voice raises that little bit more and she squeezes my hand

"Alex please, whisper. Listen to me, I, in no way, I'm regretting what we're doing. There's nothing if love more than to have a child, hell, children- with you. I just feel a lot of pressure over this- I mean, Alex if this doesn't work there's no way we'd naturally have children- and I know you'd be around if we couldn't adopt but I don't want you to do something you don't want to do"

My head is spinning. How did we go from Casey wanting therapy to me having children if we need to?! She's not regretting what we're doing but she's planning out everything. I-I just.. don't want her going to Rebecca, I want her to talk about her problems with me.

"B-But why do you want to go to Rebecca?" I ask and her eyebrows knot

"Alex why is it such a big deal for you? I just want to talk to her about my feelings, I'm fine"

"Why can't you talk to me about how you're feeling?!" I snap at her and I see the fire boil over in her eyes

"Oh please! This coming from you Alex, you barely talked to me when you were sick unless you had to. Don't you dare lecture me about not talking to you"

"-Alex, Casey? We're ready for you" Yvonne calls from the door of her office, smiling at us and I plaster a smile on my face, yet storm away from the woman who just dealt me such a low blow

xx

Yvonne pulls away, petri dish in hand "Alright ladies, well that's as much as I'll get done today. As I said now this will take a week to get back- and by then Casey should be ovulating so we can implant the hopefully fertilized eggs at a time they'd be most likely to take to the uterus"

We both just hum in agreement and offer strained conversation with Yvonne and after about an hour Casey is free to leave which we do, and we set up for our journey back home.

We get to the car and I immediately turn the radio on, anything to escape the crippling silence between us. Various songs play and even songs I usually sing along too don't make me feel any better today.

She's right really, I shouldn't have expected her to talk to me when I didn't talk to her all that much but still, for her to come straight out and say it- especially in the tone she did, it annoyed me.

The usually half an hour journey home is worsened by rush-hour traffic and it really seems to drag out. I want to talk to her but starting what I'm sure will turn into an argument in the car probably isn't the best idea

After yet more tense driving we eventually arrive home and I get out of the car, hurrying ahead to unlock the door. I just want to go in and get this talk (possibly bigger argument) over and done with.

I hear the click of Casey's heels follow not far behind me and when we get in I hear her voice, just above a whisper call my name

I turn around, facing her and I see the tears rolling down her cheeks "I-I'm sorry- I shouldn't have said that to you. I don't need to see Rebecca, I can talk to you if you like, I just didn't want to upset you"

"Casey, sweetheart, don't cry" I walk over and pull her in to me "I'm sorry too, if you want to talk to Rebecca about how you're feeling you can. I mean, it must be a lot for you to take on and I get it, you don't want to share everything with me.. Just don't shut me out, please?"

"I wouldn't" she sobs against me and I feel really bad about arguing with her. I didn't think she'd be this upset over that stupid fight. Maybe there's something else upsetting her?

What's wrong? There has to be more to it than this. I hope she's okay.

"Case, if something else was bothering you, you know you could talk to me right? It's just, you seem very upset- I get the feeling there's something else?"

"I love you" she clings to me and I close my eyes briefly, running my hand through her hair

"I love you too Casey.. Please, baby, tell me what's wrong"

I'm really worried now. She never gets like this, weepy and clingy- that's me. I get like usually. What the hell's going on?

"I-I'm just so scared Alex" she admits and I hear the shake in her voice caused from more than upset, she's terrified

"Of this?" I ask referring to the baby-making process and she nods

"I really want this to work, I want us to have a family together. I'm scared in case it doesn't work out and you-" she cuts herself off before she admits what's obviously bothering her and despite already having a pretty good idea of what she's going to say I ask her to elaborate anyway

"I'm scared in case it doesn't work and you get worse than you were before- because I wasn't able to do this for us"

"Casey, look at me" I tell her firmly and her red-rimmed eyes look up and meet mine "I love you and I know I can come to you to talk. Especially if something goes wrong with your pregnancy, I-I know you're scared I'll go back to how I was-"

"It wouldn't be your fault, it's how you feel" she tries to defend me and I smile as best I can and touch her cheek

"It wouldn't be yours either. It's not your fault if we don't get pregnant, it's not your fault if we lose the baby, it's nobodies fault. I won't blame you- and I won't shut you out either. We need to talk about problems- yes, that's hypocritical coming from me after the last couple of months but about this, we need to be able to depend on each other if things do go wrong"

Her eyes soften "You really mean that"

"Of course I do.." I wipe away the stray tears still rolling down her cheeks "I hate seeing you cry. Casey, I promise you, if things go bad- and they might- I'll be open with you about how it makes me feel"

"I'll do the same" she promises me and I wrap my arm around her

"You can talk to Rebecca if you need to, I'm not stopping you"

She shakes her head "No, I think I'm okay. I've covered my problems with you" she smiles meekly

I notice how drained she looks, she must be shattered after the procedure. I guess I was too caught up in our argument to think of that

"How about we go lie down Case? You look tired" she nods and rests in closer to me

"Thank you"

"No problem Case"


	24. Chapter 24

I sigh, watching her sleep. I never really stopped to think how Casey might be feeling about this pregnancy- she excited sure, but take the nerves I'm feeling and multiply them by one hundred and you should reach where she is. On top of that, she's nervous about letting me down. My fiancée doesn't want to lose our baby in case I go back to be depressed again.

I know I'm not fully cured, I still have my days where some thoughts creep up on me, but I talk to Casey. She makes me see that everything's okay. She calms me.

I'd really be lost without her. She's my whole world, I hate that she feels like this about the pregnancy. She shouldn't have to feel like that if everything fails I'll pull away from her- I won't. I promised myself that, I'll talk to her, support her.

I loop a few strands of her hair around my finger "I love you" I whisper to her sleeping form "I love you so much and I promise you, no matter what happens we'll be okay. I'm going to marry you and I'll never leave your side- even when things go bad, I'll hold you, I'll talk to you- I trust you.."

I lay down against her chest and her arm lazily pulls me in tight. I love this, feeling so content and calm with her. I hate it when we fight.

I let my eyes fall shut, feeling much tireder than I thought I was and all I can think as I fall asleep is that we're going to be so happy together, Casey, me and whatever family we do eventually have. I know it'll all work out so well.

xx

A knock on the apartment door wakes me and I'm thankful Casey's a heavy sleeper, she needs her sleep after today.

I rush down the hall and I hear Abbie calling my name through the door, she sounds like there's something wrong. I throw open the door and when she comes into view I check her over physically, she doesn't look hurt?

"Abbie! What's wrong?!" I ask letting her in and she sighs running her hands through her hair

"Okay, I have a date with 'Rena" she sounds beyond stressed and I squeal as quietly as I can, remembering Casey's in bed

"Abbie! I'm so happy for you! When is it?! Wait- why are you all jumpy and weird?" I ask chuckling and she glares at me

"It's tomorrow and it's some night out with people from her new job! Alex, I'm terrified in case I embarrass her! She said I was being silly, that I'd be fine and she wouldn't be embarrassed.."

I sit her down on the couch, attempting to calm her slightly "Okay Abbie, you need to listen. I know you and Serena haven't officially dated before but you're best friends! She knows you, she knows you won't make her look bad or even make yourself look bad. She wants to bring her date to a work party- go" I smile when I see her face soften

"Okay.. She said we need to dress up though"

"And?"

"Have you ever seen me dress up Al? I need something fancy that makes me look like.. well, a woman" she spits the end of the sentence which makes me laugh, God forbid she'd look anyway ladylike

"Okay, well, I'm sure I'd have something you could borrow for the night, you like my clothes, right?"

"Meh, they're not terrible" she says and I raise an eyebrow

"Jeez, don't look like that- I was clearly joking. You always look so put together- and very sexy"

"-I'm sorry, what did you just say about her" I hear Casey growl from the doorway and I close my eyes briefly- this should be interesting

"Casey- uh- hi" Abbie stutters, the normally confident brunette seems to have lost her edge under my fiancées glare- I'm very proud to be honest, not many people can bring Abbie down

"-did you just call my fiancée sexy?!" Casey's advances, still furious and I stand in front of Abbie, stopping Casey going towards her

"Sweetheart, we're just discussing clothes" I put my hand on her shoulders "she said I look good in the outfits I wear, breathe- alright. There's nothing in it" I run my hand down her side and Abbie moves back slightly

"Uh- I think I'm gonna go"

I stop Abbie leaving by turning away from Casey to face her "Please, just sit down Abs, we're gonna pick you out a nice outfit to wear to 'Rena's thing tomorrow"

I turn back to Casey, smiling softly "I think you jumped the gun a little bit baby. Abbie and I were just talking about my outfits and stuff, okay? It was innocent- believe me, she's no Trevor Langan"

Casey smirks and then nods, her face falls realizing she needs to apologize "Abbie, Alex is right, I'm sorry- I shouldn't have got snappy with you.. I-I did jump to conclusions"

"It's no problem Case, I get it. I'd be pissed too if I heard someone talking like that about my girlfriend" she tells Casey who then bites her lip

"Still though, I'm sorry. We okay?" She asks offering her hand which Abbie shakes

"We're fine Casey- it's nice to hear you being so possessive anyway, shows you care for her" she gestures to me and I smile, kissing Casey's cheek and turning back to Abbie

"C'mon down to the closet, I'll see if there's anything we can root out for you to impress 'Rena. Case, you wanna come help?" I ask, in case she's still on edge about the comment Abbie made, she declines the offer and instead goes back to bed

I decide I'll need to talk to her later.

"...Casey seems different with you" Abbie notes as we walk down to the closet and I shake my head

"It's not really different Abs, she's just a little protective of me"

"And what's that about Langan?" She asks and I sigh

"It's dumb, she's jealous of Trevor and how he acts around me- he's pretty full on. I know she kinda lost it a little at you Abbie and I'm sorry she freaked out but I genuinely think it's only a little part of her-"

I open up the closet and Abbie stops me before I start taking out potential outfits "Listen, I'm not accusing Casey of anything Al, as I said if I heard you calling Serena sexy I'd have reacted the same- but you need to talk to her about whatever's going on in her head. Like, she seems a little too possessive- I know some possessiveness is hot but there's borderline issues there- you need to have a talk with her.. Oh congratulations by the way, Casey managed to slip it in that you're engaged"

I show her my ring and she takes my hand, beaming "Lex, that's beautiful. I'm so happy for the two of you" she inspects the ring closer "Jeez, Casey went all out on this rock didn't she? You'd take an eye out with that- remind me never to get into a fist fight with you"

I laugh and start looking for an outfit suitable for Abbie "it is really gorgeous, she did a great job.. How about this one?" I ask holding up a red strappy back dress and she shakes her head

"I'm not mad about the colour Al.."

"Okay then.." I say, smirking as I try to find another outfit "By the way- I will talk to Casey about her protective nature, we just need to wait a little while"

I mean with trying and everything, causing another argument mightn't be wise.

"Okay, just do it soon. I don't want to see you getting hurt Al"

"I know, thanks Abs" I take out a black dress and she smiles, nodding

"That one, I like Alex" she takes the dress into her hands "thank you, this one is perfect- you're a lifesaver"

"That I am" I smile and she hugs me, smiling too

"Thank you- I'm feeling much better about tomorrow night now that I look kinda like a woman"

"'Rena will love you in this- and you'll have a great time tomorrow night. Call me with details, won't you Abs?"

"Of course I will.. maybe Sunday morning though, who knows what Rena and I will get up to tomorrow night" she winks and I laugh

"Of course.. I might avoid calling and interrupting any..activities..between you and 'Rena"

"No.. I think I'd have to kill you if you did that Al"

"I'll avoid the phone tomorrow night then, thanks for the heads up Abbie"

xx

"Hey.. uh.. I am sorry, I know I was out of line interrogating Abbie like that. Was she okay?" Casey says softly as I re-join her in bed that night and I bury in close to her

"Casey, sweetheart, it's fine. Well for Abbie it is anyway, I on the other hand want to have a few words"

She shifts away from me, out of my grasp and sighs as she sits up "Okay.."

"Well, Case- I need you to listen to me. Okay, I get it that incident with Abbie- you overheard her calling me sexy, of course that'll freak you a little but you didn't give her the chance to explain.. She's my friend darling, nothing more. You need to cool down- you need to trust me sweetheart. I mean, do you honestly think I'd do anything with Abbie! If I wanted Abbie I'd have gotten her ages ago- I've known her since I came to the city, if we were going to do anything together we would have. I love you and only you- please, forget other people. I don't want to come home every night to them, I don't want to start a family with any other woman- or man for that matter- I want you"

She pulls me in tight to her "I want you too Alex.. I'm so sorry. I'll try to ease up a little, I can't help it.. I just get protective over you"

"I know and it's very sweet but Case, please, don't think I'm running off with everyone who talks to me, compliments me- I'll always come home to you. You and what family we do have" I run my hand up between us over her stomach "it'll work out baby.. everything will. Just please, have faith in me. I love you"

"I love you too Alexandra. Again, I am sorry"

"Don't you worry, just forget it, alright? Now, lie in closer please, I sleep better the nearer you are"


	25. Chapter 25

It's the following Friday when Yvonne calls me. Casey and I were just getting ready to go into the city shopping for the day when my cell rang "Yvonne" I smile as I connect the call "lovely to hear from you- any news?"

"Actually yes I do have some news Alex. Casey's eggs fertilized and well, if you're both available today we'd like to get you down here to do the procedure"

I look to Casey, silently conferring with her and she nods "Yes Yvonne, we can make it down today. Do you want us at any particular time?"

"Well around 1pm would suit me, if that's alright for you two?"

"It's perfect, we'll go and get some lunch and meet you then! That's great Yvonne, we'll see you then"

Casey smiles as I disconnect the call and throw my cell onto the bed "Today!" I lift Casey into my arms, spinning her around and she laughs, kissing me

"Today Alex" her hand moves up from my cheek to run through my freshly done hair "we're starting our family honey.. You ready?"

I laugh, smirking "I think at this stage Case, it's a little late for that question. But yes, I am 100% ready. You?"

"I am. Surprisingly, I'm not at all nervous- yet. I mean, today is potentially the day we start our little family, how could I not be ready?"

I take her hand into mine and lead her to the apartment door "Have we got everything?" She asks and I check my pockets

"Yeah, I have my keys- are you bringing your cell?" I ask her and she checks her purse

"Yep it's here" she smiles "c'mon, the sooner we get here the better

"You know our appointment isn't for two more hours- we'll get lunch and probably have to shop for a little while" I sigh and she kisses my cheek

"I genuinely think that might be the first time I heard you sigh after the mention of shopping, you make it sound like a chore"

xx

I watch as Casey positions herself on the table and Yvonne attempts to prepare her as best she can. Earlier she said she wasn't nervous? Yeah- she looks terrified. I slip my hand into hers and she looks over to me, smiling nervously

"I love you" I tell her and she nods, taking a deep breath. She didn't need to say it back, I know she loves me, I just said it to offer her support as best I can.

"Okay Casey, you're going to feel pressure, and I won't lie to you, it's pretty serious" Yvonne tells Casey, who nods and turns her head to face me as she lets out an unsteady breath

I squeeze her hand "Talk to me Casey, don't think about it. Okay? I assume you still want to go see that teen idiot in MSG during the summer?"

She glares at me "I don't judge your passion for country music, don't you dare judge my thing for Justin Bieber"

She sharply takes in a breath, something obviously happening causing her discomfort so I attempt to keep the conversation up "I'm not judging you, per say, more despising the choice of concert"

"I'm not putting a gun to your head" she smiles a little at me, knowing I'm only joking around with her- I do secretly like that boys music- I mean, it's sweet. Not anything compared to the country music greats but it's not the worst I've heard- I of course would never say that to Casey, how would I handle getting that thrown back in my face

"I couldn't let you go alone.. What if you elope with him?"

It's only just occurred to me that Yvonne can hear all this, she must think we're a horribly odd couple.

"You've cracked my plan! Damn it Alexandra.."

"Oh let's face it, you'd never last with him. All the law breaking, how would you deal with that? It'd be a moral dilemma for you. I'd have you back within a week"

"You sing sappy love songs at me and I think you'd have a chance of keeping me Al" she grips my hand tightly, another sharp inhale- causing Yvonne to apologize and Casey to brush it off

"Believe me baby, you don't want to hear me sing. I'm tone deaf. I'll leave any singing to the prepubescent boys" I pat her shoulder and she pulls me up as best she can, kissing me chastely

"I don't know, I've heard you sing- you're not the worst"

I bite down on my lip "You've heard me sing? When?"

"Where do you think? In the shower" she chuckles to herself "Garth Brooks is a very popular choice, I believe. I've got friends in low places"

I shake my head, smirking "And I'm never singing in the shower again"

The procedure is filled with a few more distracting conversations and by the time it's over I notice the colour has drained from Casey's face, she looks tired and in pain. Yvonne tells us we'll need to wait for a while and I'm thankful to be honest, from how she looks if be a little apprehensive about bringing her home- just in case she began feeling sick. Yvonne excuses herself, saying she'll come back to check on us shortly

"Al?" Her voice comes out broken and it causes a stab of pain through my heart

"Yeah baby?"

"I want to go home" she nearly sobs and I move closer to her, doing all but lying up beside her on the table

"Listen baby, you'll need to wait, just for a little while. I know, it must've been very uncomfortable and staying like this, here, cannot be helping but just hold on for that little bit longer- then we can go home and curl up in bed together. I'll even watch them romantic-comedy's you love" I press my lips to her cheek "please? Just wait a little longer"

"I love you so much" she breathes out "you don't know how much I needed you today, through all that. You really helped me Alex. Thank you"

"It's my job isn't it?" I smirk "as the amazing fiancée"

"Wife soon"

At this I become curious "Oh? You've been considering dates?"

She nods, it's obviously strained but I notice the sparkle of happiness in her eyes when we start discussing getting married "Just a little- I want it to be soon- the sooner you're Alexandra Novak the better- God, that really does have a beautiful ring to it"

She's right, it does.

"So when?" I ask and her eyes meet mine

"Depends on your preferences- big, small?"

I snigger, the teenage boy mentality coming out in me "Are we still discussing weddings?"

She too offers a small laugh "We are. I mean do you want a big scale event, inviting half the city? Or something smaller"

"Definitely smaller- more intimate"

"Okay, and where would we do it?" She asks, her voice becoming more stronger the further we get into the conversation- she's obviously stopped thinking about the pain

"Wherever you want baby, I don't care where we do it as long as we do it"

"How about the courthouse? I mean, with work we don't spend half enough time there anyway, let's spend the most important day of our lives so far there too" her sarcasm is back, I smile, good I'm not as worried- now all I need is for her to flush- then I'll feel more comfortable. The lack of healthy colour in her face is still getting to me

"I think the courthouse is prefect. Who'd do it?"

"I was hoping you'd have a suggestion there- most judges in this city don't like either of us in a work environment-"

"Liz. I'd really love if we'd get Donnelly to do it Casey" I say with more conviction than I thought I would. I don't even really know why Liz, I guess I feel like we've grown close to her over the years and I'd just prefer if she did it

"Liz it is then baby" she smiles as best she can "she'll be honored when we ask"

"She really will be"

xx

"I made you some dinner Case, you need to eat" I tell her as I walk in, pasta in hand and she smirks as she takes the plate

"You made it? Maybe we should order in?" She teases and I swipe a piece of penne off her plate and eat it

"See?" I say as I swallow the pasta "I'm not falling down or anything- I think pasta I can manage"

"I'll take your word for it. By the way, tomorrow you're definitely going to Rebecca?"

I nod as I start up the film in the blu-ray player "Yeah, I am. Why, you wanna come talk to her?"

"Actually, unless you need me I was wondering if it'd be okay if I skipped the last one- I kinda wanna sleep and I was thinking of having Serena over"

"Serena Southerlyn? Uh.. Okay, why?"

"Well if I do skip, I thought you could ask Abbie to drive you over and well Serena and I could hang out here- and even have dinner ready for our ladies when you both get back. I just don't feel up to a 3 hour drive tomorrow- and I would like to get to know your friends properly"

I nod, kissing her "Casey, I'd love if you stayed here with 'Rena. To be honest, I'd probably feel better about it- the idea of you leaving the house not wrapped in bubble wrap scares me slightly" I try to pass it off as a joke but she sees through it

"I'm scared too Alex. But no matter what we do, or don't do- if something's going to go wrong it will. Likewise, no matter what we do it may or may not take. Nothing's stable"

"Yeah, you're right. Just, ease my mind, take it easy over the next few weeks"

"If this is you before I even get pregnant I don't think I'm looking forward to you when I do get pregnant- you'll wrap me in bubble wrap won't you?"

I laugh, kissing her again "You know me so well"


	26. Chapter 26

"You sure you don't need me to come in?" Abbie asks and I smile and get out of the car

"You're just as bad as Casey" I tell her "I'll be fine Abs, honestly. You should go back into the town, buy something pretty for 'Rena, woo her"

"She was asking me if I had a necklace she could borrow for tonight, she doesn't have one that suits her dress. I could always shop around, see if there's a nice one for her"

"Perfect idea. Okay, I'll call you when I'm done" we say our goodbyes and I walk into Rebecca's office, I don't even know why I made this appointment- I'm feeling better than I ever have. It'll probably give everyone closure

The young receptionist smiles at me and tells me to go straight in to Rebecca, it's only when I really look around I notice this place is empty today. I guess it's a Saturday and my appointment is earlier than it usually is

I walk in and Rebecca beams seeing me "Wow, Alex- nice to see you"

"You too Rebecca. How've you been?"

"Not bad- you? You seem a whole lot better than the last time I saw you"

"I am" I smile and I hold out my hand, showing her my ring "we're getting married" the excitement is obvious in my voice and Rebecca hugs me

"I am so proud of you! Wow! I mean, when I saw you as a teenager I never thought I'd see you all these years later getting married! I couldn't be happier for you Alex!"

We sit down together on the couch and when we sit together I notice she doesn't take out her little black book as she usually does in our sessions

"No notebook today?" I ask and she shakes her head

"Well, it's your last session, I'm assuming I won't need to take notes. Very observant though, not many people notice the book"

"It's hard not to notice it, you were basically writing stories in the thing during our sessions"

She laughs and hands me a glass of water "Well, I won't be today. Think of today as just a normal conversation between friends. So talk to me then- how's Casey?"

"Pregnant, hopefully"

Her eyes widen as she sits forward in the seat "I'm sorry, pregnant?! You two tried? Oh Alex! You're going to give me heart failure if you dump all this on me at the same time! Anything else you want to reveal? You haven't won millions of dollars anywhere or anything, no?"

I shake my head, laughing at her reaction "No Rebecca, I'm still as affluent as the last time we spoke"

"And can I ask you one thing?" She pauses and I nod "how are you actually feeling about you and Casey trying? I mean, you were getting along with her niece but do you feel comfortable raising a child?"

"Honestly? 'Becca, I'm absolutely terrified" I admit to her, wringing my hands a little bit- c'mon now, this is the last session with Rebecca, you might as well let this out "I mean she said it herself last night, I'm acting as if I want to wrap her up in bubble wrap" I sigh and take a sip of my water, thinking to myself as I do "Okay, I know actually having the baby, raising a child is going to be a terrifying experience itself but that I could handle- minding the baby. It's protecting Casey now, protecting them both now scares me more. I-I don't even know if she's pregnant yet and I'm already saying both.. I just have my hopes up"

Rebecca nods, looking to me with soft eyes "Okay, and Alex, do you think you could hold it together if them hopes were dashed? If things didn't work out?"

"Rebecca, I really do think I could. I know it wouldn't be easy, it can be the most devastating thing for a couple to experience but with her I really know we could pull through, if things didn't work out. I know that between us we-we could handle it"

Rebecca smiles at me, a genuine smile and she bites her lip "Alex, you don't realize how happy I am for you. You and that woman, you're both so happy and well, this is the most established I've ever seen you. You're so grounded, happy- I'm really glad"

"Honestly, I am too 'Becca. This is the happiest I've ever felt. It's her.. she really has changed me- all for the better"

xx

"I invited Rebecca to whatever we're doing for the wedding" I smile at Casey as I steal some of her freshly chopped bell pepper off her plate

"Great, the more the merrier. Uh, there's a question, what are we doing? Like the courthouse, sure but what then? An after party or something?" She asks and I pull out her chair, causing her to smile up at me

"Well, yeah. An after party sounds nice doesn't it? Something intimate as I said, we can invite friends, you can bring any family you'd like to have there-" she scowls shaking her head

"Uh, with the exception of Jenna and Mel let's skip them. Not too many know I'm gay around home, I'm not sure who my parents told before they.. passed and to be honest, I'm not close enough with any of them to invite them along. How about just friends and people we're close to? Unless you want your Mom-"

"I don't. That sounds perfect Case- ..speaking of friends, it's a shame Abbie and 'Rena had to leave before dinner"

Casey hums I agreement as she eats more of her salad "I know right? To be honest, 'Rena is very nervous about this party thing tonight at work from what I can tell, I think she wanted to go home and get ready in advance, just in case.."

"Poor Abbie isn't much better- I've never seen that woman under as much pressure before! She's usually so calm- I guess being in a relationship changes you" I smile, thinking back to what I talked about with Rebecca earlier

"I don't know," Casey muses "I don't think I've changed you all that much"

I scoff "I was nothing before you baby, you've changed me more than you'll ever know"

"Okay, you're going to need to marry me" she smiles, leaning across the table and kissing my lips "I want the opportunity to be able to say that my wife is the sweetest person on this planet"

"It'll be soon baby, don't you worry"


	27. Chapter 27

**_*1 month later* _**

"Abbie, where is my damn pants! I gave you one job, keep my blazer, shirt and pants safe- I swear to God.. No wait, I found them! My bad honey!"

Abbie walks in finding me half dressed in my 'suit' and she shakes her head "Ally, you are way too stressed out about today. The day you get married is meant to be the best day of your life, the day you stand up in front of the most important people to you and announce your love to the most special person in your life- you are just a ball of stress!"

"And nerves- I'm a ball of stress and nerves Abbie" I announce straightening up my shirt "Did you call Serena? Is Casey alright?"

I sound wound up, I just can't help it! She's late- Casey is late and well, the odds of anything happening this month were slim, so it could just be a coincidence but she might be pregnant! Oh God.. imagine, how lucky would we be, first try

"Yes I called, for the third time in five hours. Casey's fine, Serena was doing her hair when I called last and I was very strictly told not to call again- so you're doing any calling from now on babe"

I sigh and run my hands through my blow dried hair "I'm sorry- I must be doing your head in.."

"Nah, I get it. You'll have to keep calling Casey though when it's my big day" she winks and I swear my job drops

"Your big day? What happened to 'I'm never getting married'?" I ask and she shrugs casually

"I didn't think you'd ever get married with Alex- when you find the right person you know, and you realize you want to spend your life with them" she sits on the side of my bed, her mind clearly working in overdrive

"Uh- just to be absolutely clear, you're talking about 'Rena, right?" That earns me a glare

"Of course I am! Who else would I be talking about Alex"

I hold up my hands in mock defeat "Just being thorough.. But wow, you're thinking of marrying her? Have you said anything to her?"

She scoffs "do you really think I'm that big an idiot? Alex, I've been with her for like five minutes, I'm not asking her to marry me. I'll see how things go"

I pull her I'm close to me, smiling "Abbie, I'm so happy for you! God, I know how you feel- I know I'm nervous and everything about today but at the end of it I'll have Casey Novak as my wife- she'll be mine and I'll be hers- there really is no better feeling"

"You better get ready" she gestures to me, who's still in my shirt and pants "we have to be at the court house in like an hour and I haven't done your make up"

"No! No, today you are not doing my make up! The last time that was attempted you nearly blinded me with my own mascara brush!" I protest and she winces

"I kinda forgot about that, yeah, maybe you're better doing your own then"

"You'll need to do my hair though- the most sophisticated I can get is a ponytail, and not even a good one"

"You think I'm much better?" She asks holding up my blazer so I can slip my arms in

I bite my lip, God knows what I'm going to look like when I turn up at this court house!

xx

"I'M HERE, I'M HERE! I'M NOT STANDING YOU UP, I SWEAR" I run up the courthouse steps to Serena and my beautiful bride and she lets out a sigh of relief when she sees me "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to worry you- there was a pile up and diversions- we're here! I'm here- I'm sorry" I kiss her and when we pull back I notice the tears in her eyes

"I thought something had happened to you!" She sounds really worried and I hear Serena offer some comment about Casey pacing the floor with worry "-I thought you were hurt, or you changed your mind-"

"I'm right here, horse drawn carriages wouldn't have held me back from you today Cassandra, I promise"

"So you're 100%, still? You want to marry me"

"More than anything else darling, please come in and do this before you pass out"

She smiles and stops me walking inside, whispering in my ear "I took a test" I stop dead in my tracks, focusing intently on her now

"-Oh look at these two, not even married and they're discussing honeymoon activities"

I whip around to Abbie, who goes a lot quieter when she catches my glare "And?" I ask Casey when I turn back to her "yes or no?"

She smiles, taking my face into her hands "If it was a no do you think I'd be telling you right before we get married! Yes, Alex, it was a yes- I mean we'll have to do tests, officially with Yvonne and stuff but for now, it's a yes" she whispers "I'm pregnant Alex"

"Genuinely think this is the happiest day of my life" I kiss her again- if we keep this up we'll never get inside!

"Mine too Al"

I hear exasperated sighs offered from behind us "Are you two ready?! It was long enough waiting to get here, do we plan on marrying today or what?" Serena teases- I think- and Casey takes my hand

"I'm ready"

"Yeah" I blow out a deep breath "I am too. Let's go get married!"

We walk in and see Elizabeth standing in the hallway, dressed in an all black two piece "Wow.. Look at that. My two favorite ADA's"

Serena and Abbie let out dry coughs from behind us "We're right here ya know Donnelly!" Abbie announces and Liz smirks, rolling her eyes

"These two have worked for me for years- you two I only see occasionally, Thank God" she mumbles the last part and I contain my laugh "As I was saying- Casey, that dress is stunning, you look truly angelic"

"My thoughts exactly" I blurt out in agreement and Casey smiles over to me, blushing slightly

"And Alex, wow, I've seen you in dress suits before- but you've never looked this beautiful"

I smile "Thank you- ..I think"

"Yes dear, that was a compliment. Now, are you both ready to go in here and do this?" She asks and I wrap my arm around Casey's waist

"Yeah, we're ready"

xx

Rebecca waves to me as Casey and I begin socializing at the after party "Alex! How does it feel to be a married woman?" She asks and I smile

"Again with the feelings? Have you not heard enough about my feelings?" I ask jokingly and she smirks

"Only the bad ones. So, how are you feeling?"

"Amazing.. it really is indescribable 'Becca.." I sigh, my eyes landing on Casey who's began talking to the detectives "I mean, even looking at her now, feels so perfect. She's my wife- the woman I'll spend the rest of my life with. I've never felt this good about anything- are you crying?!" I ask the older woman who reaches for a napkin off the nearby table to dry her eyes

"Sorry Alex.. I just.. up really deserve this. This happiness, it's everything you've ever deserved"

"Okay, well at the risk of breaking the dams, Casey's pregnant"

She gasps and pulls me in close to her "Oh Alex! Congratulations! You're going to make a great mother- and wife"

I drink down a laugh mouthful of my cola "Hopefully now- there's still a lot to go through but we'll get there"

I feel the recognizable pair of arms slip around my waist and I look back, kissing her cheek that then rests against my shoulder "Congratulations Casey" Rebecca smiles, still dabbing at stray tears rolling down her cheeks

"I sense that's not just about the wedding?" She smiles at me and I shake my head

"I'm sorry, I had to tell somebody! Give me the opportunity to be the proud mother-to-be"

Casey runs her hand along my side "Don't worry- we'll have plenty of time for that. Just don't broadcast too much until I get a little further along, just incase"

Casey untangles her arms from around my waist and Rebecca takes her opportunity to pull my wife into a hug "You've made her very happy Casey. I'm really glad I've been around you both to see her like this- thank you"

I smile, Rebecca really is like a mother to be- lord knows as I was growing up I had a steadier relationship with her than I had with my own mother. It's still nice to see she cares so much.

"Sorry to break you both up" I interrupt their hug and take Casey's hand "but I believe, it's time for our first dance as a married couple"

She looks very confused and smirks "Wait now, I don't remember picking out a song-?"

"Well, I kinda took care of that part"

The opening bars of 'I've Got Friends In Low Places' starts and Casey laughs until she cries "Oh Al.." She presses her lips to mine "I should've guessed"

"Yes, you should've" I bring her out into the middle of the dance floor and we sway gently to the song, Casey singing alone in my ear

"You've learned a lot from listening to me in the shower"

"Well, I may have been listening to it other than that, I mean, it's not that bad"

I move my mouth closer to her ear "Honestly? I have a Justin Bieber playlist on my iPod"

"You haven't!" She giggles and it's the sweetest sound I've ever heard

"That's always going to be thrown back at me now isn't it?" I ask and she nods into me, still laughing

"Oh most definitely"

xx

"Look at this bed" I jump straight in on top of all the cushions and pillows laid out perfectly and when I look back to Casey I see her roll her eyes

"You're a big child at heart, aren't you?"

I nod, picking a chocolate covered strawberry off the platter left by the bed "You knew that before you married me though, too late to back out now- you're trapped" I tease her and she laughs, laying in beside me

"Trapped? I think that implies I don't want to be here.." her hand moves over my hip and she begins placing gentle, open mouth kisses against my neck "Because I most definitely do want to be here"

"Good because I want you here Case" my hand runs over her white satin covered stomach "and you too.. We'll need to make an appointment with Yvonne before we leave actually. I'd like to know for sure before we go"

"Yeah me too. I'll call her tomorrow. You know, you will make such a great Mom. You're so caring and sweet and loving- yet strict when you need to be. It's a nice balance to have"

I kiss her forehead "Something tells me you won't be too bad yourself Case, I mean you're pretty special- as you said before, me and you will raise a kick ass kid between us. All we can do is our best and hope as the kid gets older he or she takes our advice and guidance"

"We'll need to work on our 'advice and guidance' thing before this kids born I think, what can we offer right now?"

"Never eat a yellow snow cone-" I offer as I do my best to hold in my laughter

"-working on that advice over the next nine months is key" she says seriously and I can't hold it back anymore, I laugh

"We can handle it, I know we can- as long as we're together" I tell her and she nods

"I agree. We're indestructible together"

**The End **

_**AN: for now anyway.. I'm planning lots of stories at the moment but if enough people were interested I'd do a sequel of this story (eventually). I'd appreciate any ideas any of you would be willing to offer or feedback. **_

_**Thank you all for supporting this story and I really hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I'll post information here if I do post a sequel to this story so you won't miss out!**_

_**Thanks again - Megan x **_


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